Dear Anna,
Why do I have hang-ups around guys not paying for dates? Basically, if a guy doesn’t offer to pay for the first couple dates, especially in the first month or so, that's a deal breaker for me. Even if the date was good, I don’t call him again if he doesn’t offer to pay. Going dutch is totally fine once we’re a little more established, but I’m trying to figure out why this bothers me so much. — Considering Asking Some Hardtruths
Dear CASH,
You’re definitely not alone in thinking — nay, expecting — men to foot the bill on the first date(s). It’s a common cultural norm in straight courtship rituals.
In fact, a survey conducted by Money and SurveyMonkey found that 72% of women thought men should pay for the first date. Interestingly, men were even more likely to think that men should pay for a first date (85%).
But, even though it may be the norm, it’s one that warrants some reflection and examination. There are hundreds of such “rules” swirling around courtship and dating that we’re taught growing up, and they deserve to be considered with more scrutiny. I encourage you to dig a little deeper into this belief and why it’s a deal breaker for you.
As a historical aside, men started paying for dates when the courtship system moved away from “calling” (in the 1920s). During “calls,” a woman received a man in her home for a chaperoned visit, often at the invitation of the woman’s mother. The woman’s family paid for these “calls,” with food, space and entertainment. The shift to “modern” dating involved men taking women out in public. As men were now effectively the “hosts” of the dates, deciding when and where the dates would occur, the onus was put on men to pay.
Of course, other factors were likely at play in the who-pays shift, including social and economic status — women have historically made less money than men, and the wage gap continues to this day.
But, if you think about it, the shift isn’t too far removed from the rule that gets thrown around often these days — the person who asks (i.e., “hosts”) is the person who pays. (Though, in my opinion, that’s still too simple of a rule to apply to most situations.)
In your case, it’s interesting that you are outright rejecting men, even when you enjoyed going on dates with them, because of the men-should-pay rule. I think this bears some self-examination. Do you feel so strongly about it because you consider paying for dates a form of being pursued, and that those who don’t offer to pay aren’t wooing you effectively? Is it because of beliefs around spending and money generally? Is gift-giving your preferred love language, and as such, you feel slighted? Is it because you associate not offering to pay with cheapness or irresponsibility? Does it have to do with expecting men to fill the “breadwinner” role, and to prove that role immediately to be considered as a long-term partner?
You might not find immediate or easy answers to any of these questions, and even if you do, it might not change your feelings on the subject. That’s okay. Courtship rituals are personal, oddly specific, and constantly changing.
It’s beneficial for all of us to look at what shapes our beliefs when it comes to dating and to wonder if these beliefs serve our ultimate aims — in your case, finding a suitable mate.
If, after some reflection, the rule remains a deal breaker for you, it would behoove you to be more upfront about it, not only because it’ll save you (and your dates) time and effort if you’re not compatible on the issue, but also because a person can’t know they’re breaking a rule if they don’t know the rule in the first place.
It’s possible that non-paying dates you rejected had honorable, egalitarian or feminist intentions, for instance. Or maybe they were just cheapskates. You can’t know unless you talk about it. So, do!
Good luck, CASH.
