How we see sex and intimacy on screen has profound effects on how we learn to love each other. But, what we see on-screen is based on a myth rather than reality. Dr Orna Guralnik, who hosts the hugely popular TV series Couples Therapy pointed to one couple who appeared on her show, in which the woman confessed that she had real difficulties with the idea of what she called ‘Tuesday sex’.
It is the kind of weekday sex that establishes a connection with a partner; an intimacy that preserves your relationship and feels part of your routine rather than something mind-blowing and special. Tuesday sex is important in a committed relationship in cementing a regular connection and strengthening emotional ties. Yet it is rarely depicted in mainstream Hollywood.
In the real world, in real relationships, people’s lives are fundamentally filled with Tuesday sex. Nine times out of ten, you might just vaguely enjoy it – and then once in a while, it will absolutely hit the spot. You experience something sensational. In long-term relationships, if you’re lucky enough to be with someone who wants Tuesday sex, and you continue to have it, then you should be celebrating. The fact that either of you wants to be intimate on a regular basis should be a cause for joy.
I had a friend who made it a policy always to have sex when their partner offered because – she reasoned – her lover might not be asking in another 10 years’ time, and she didn’t want to miss a single opportunity. She stood by this plan even when she didn’t initially fancy intimacy because she felt it was important to maintain an active intimate life. The result was one of the happiest relationships I have ever seen.
Yet we simply don’t see enough Tuesday sex on-screen. And men, just as much as women, need a change in the stories that we are telling ourselves. The crisis in masculinity means that our boys and men are desperate for role models they can aspire to. When it comes to their intimate lives, men are just as much a victim of cinematic myths as women. On the one hand, they have action figures, honed and invulnerable. On the other, the easy availability of online pornography has become a major issue. It’s worth bearing in mind here just how close some of the assumptions of pornography and mainstream depictions of sex have become. Pornography is explicit yet the images of intimacy we often see on TV and in the films do nothing to challenge its narrative.
Knowing the detail of the difference in libidos helps to understand what is happening and explains a physicality that has nothing to do with whether and how you love somebody, but rather to understand that, as sex and relationship counsellor Linsey Blair explained, “it takes longer for women to “get in to” to sex than men; this is not low libido, it is different libido” and “because of the difference in libidos, “good sex”, i.e. sex that is mutually enjoyable, needs to have a lot more female foreplay so that she can “get in”.’
When I asked Blair what the most misleading intimate myth that she sees on-screen is, she laughed and said “speed”. It is a massive point of sexual education for everyone to understand that it generally takes women about 20 minutes to be ready for penetration yet what tends to be depicted is a couple kissing and then penetrating within less than five minutes.’ I realise that no one wants to watch a sex scene that lasts half an hour and consists mainly of foreplay. But in life, as on film, the definitions of sex can be expanded. Mutual pleasuring, touching and massage are in some ways more revealing than simply moving towards penetrative intercourse; they take more time. But the one thing that would begin to solve all of these difficulties, is to talk more. “Somehow, it’s seen as unsexy to talk during sex”, Blair explains. “But for normal people, in normal relationships, it’s really useful to talk. You need to be able to say, “I’m not sure I want to do that”, or, “I really like that”, or, “That feels great. Keep doing that.” Just by telling each other what they want, couples can change what they are doing and that’s essential to sex and consent.’ It isn’t unsexy to talk; in fact, it can often lead to greater sexual fulfilment and deeper, more satisfying intimate relationships. We need to expand the script, both on-and off-screen.
Extracted from Intimacy: A field guide to finding connection and feeling your deep desires, by Ita O’Brien, with foreword by Gillian Anderson. To buy, click here
