SOME ACTUAL FOOTBALL
Everyone knows it needs to be put out of its misery. Everyone knows it’s living on former glories; that it hasn’t been the same since the late 1990s; that, for all the bullish rhetoric, nobody really cares about it anymore. But that’s enough about The Fiver, because there’s one FA Cup third-round match remaining! Wolves host crisis club Liverpool, who have lost their last one games, at Molineux. And, though neither side will explicitly say as much, the competition is a bit of an unwelcome distraction to their Premier League title ambitions. Liverpool are aiming to win the title for the first time since Doogie Howser, M.D. was in his scalpel-wielding pomp, while Wolves are only two points behind leaders Leicester in Division Two of the Premier League.
Neither club would kick the FA Cup out of their trophy room for being an attention-seeker, but nor is either likely to pick their strongest XI. A less humane tea-time email might go so far as to say that, of all the kicks in the teeth the FA Cup has suffered in the last 20 years, none will hurt quite like the sight of names like ‘S Mignolet’ and ‘A Moreno’ on Liverpool’s team-sheet. “Yes, we have to make changes,” sighed Jürgen Klopp, while idly doing unspeakable things to an empty water bottle. “That’s clear. We came through the intense period now somehow OK, but of course we have to make changes. How many I don’t know, but we have to.”
The Fiver can understand Klopp’s attitude, because he should sacrifice everything – the FA Cup, dignity, dry January – in pursuit of the immortality that would come with a league title win. But if we were in charge of Wolves, and answered exclusively to the name ‘Nuno’, we would prioritise the FA Cup. This competition is Wolves’s equivalent of the Premier League, at least until the year 2027 when Jorge Mendes’s plan for world domination is complete. The last time Wolves won a major cup competition, without wishing to coat down the 1987-88 Sherpa Van Trophy, was the League Cup in 1980.
“It’s part of the history of the club,” said Nuno. “If we can try to progress and look to the future, and try to be how Wolves were in the ‘50s and ‘60s, it will mean a lot, but we know we have a big task in front of us.” Monday night’s XI will tell us how much Nuno really, really wants to win the FA Cup, or whether the tournament is less important than seventh place. All those who grew up with the FA Cup will hope it can enjoy a renaissance without recourse to gimmicks. And with that, we’re off to see if Kasabian fancy writing Tuesday’s Fiver.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“For 2019, let’s dot the I’s and cross the T’s … Let’s start with the jealous, the haters, those only born because a condom had a hole in: [eff] your mothers, your grandmothers and even your family tree. I owe you nothing. My success is, above all, thanks to God, me, and my loved ones who believed in me. For the others, you’re nothing but pebbles in my socks” – Franck Ribéry serves up a tasty retort to critics of a video he posted on some social media disgrace or another in which he was getting stuck into a £1,000 gold-leafed steak cooked up by annoying chef ‘Salt Bae’. He received a “heavy fine” by Bayern Munich.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
The latest Football Weekly podcast will be in this general vicinity.
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Producing the Guardian’s thoughtful, in-depth journalism [the stuff not normally found in this email, obviously – Fiver Ed] is expensive, but supporting us isn’t. If you value our journalism, please support us. In return we can hopefully arm you with the kind of knowledge that makes you sound slightly less uninformed during those hot reactive gegenpress chats you so enjoy. And if you think what we do is enjoyable [again, etc and so on – Fiver Ed], please help us keep coming back here to give you more of the same.
FIVER LETTERS
“Best league in the world™ and all that, with the best that money can buy, but we’re still dependent on English referees? Why don’t we see better refs brought in, naturally for excessive transfer fees and on lavish weekly wages?” – Phil Smyth.
“Re: Friday’s ‘News, Bit and Bobs’ with Shaun Hutchison and the freak knack meaning that he missed Sunday’s FA Cup game. Was he sent to the shin bin?” – Stuart Robertson-Reed.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Phil Smyth.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Crystal Palace goalkeeper Wayne Hennessey has denied making a Nazi salute while having a meal with teammates to celebrate his side’s FA Cup win over Grimsby. “I waved and shouted at the person taking the picture to get on with it and at the same time put my hand over my mouth to make the sound carry,” said Hennessey. “Frozen in a moment by the camera this looks like I am making a completely inappropriate type of salute … I would never do that.”
Andrés Iniesta has been criticised for posting a photo on Instachat showing him with a group of people, including two in blackface, as part of the Three Kings Day celebrations in Spain.
The FA has launched an investigation after Tottenham’s Renée Hector alleged monkey noises were directed at her by a Sheffield United player during Spurs’ 2-1 win in the FA Women’s Championship.
Wayne Rooney has blamed disorientation due to having taken sleeping pills for his arrest in the USA! USA!! USA!!! for being drunk and sweary at Washington DC airport, following a trip to Saudi Arabia to trouser/rattle the tin for Formula E racing.
Nathaniel Clyne has explained why he chose Bournemouth over Cardiff, thus making Neil Warnock all fresh and funky. “Bournemouth have a great manager and that’s what urged me to come here,” he honked. “I’ve looked at how Bournemouth play and it’s similar to my style.”
And Jason McAteer took his sending off for kicking Li’l Mickey O up the @rse in a Star Sixes match well. “He got it wrong didn’t he, the referee?” he yelped. “I gave him a friendly push up the backside. It’s because it’s Michael Owen and England. The officials are that bad.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Rachel Brown-Finnis reviews the latest round of Women’s Super League matches in which champions Chelsea looked to be back in the groove again.
Ten talking points from the Prem … oh, er, sorry about that … the FA Cup third round.
There’s a reason the Big Cup champions are struggling to get tails on seats at the Bernabéu: they’re not very good, writes Sid Lowe.
Our shiny January transfer window interactive rolls on.
Richard Williams on mascot fees.
Is Christian Pulisic the first part of a USA! USA!! USA!!! European invasion? Not so fast, warns Graham Ruthven.
Oh Marseille! Last season’s Big Vase finalists were humbled by plucky fourth-tier side ASF Andrézieux in the Coupe de France, report Adam White and Eric Devin.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
