Bard Billot on the Baron's tax collector
Taxing Times
Baron Luxon and King Chipkins had offended each other’s honour. No one knew how or when the quarrel had begun. But honour required a duel to settle the matter. A rendezvous was set for the Main Street of Waimate at high noon. Baron Luxon stepped forward with his Second, Lady Nicola, Who adjusted his tie, mopped some egg sandwich off his shirt, Patted his hand and told him he was going to be alright. Lo, Chipkins, where is your Second? enquired Lady Nicola, Who had also taken over all speaking duties from the Baron. King Chipkins looked around in surprise. Only a minute ago there had been ten of his Ministers behind him, But now the Main Street was totally empty Except for a lone tumbleweed that rolled past. The King grabbed the tumbleweed before it resigned. Lo, here is my loyal Second, he responded. The Baron started to speak but Lady Nicola smoothly interrupted. We accuse you of besmirching the honour of Mums and Dads And their Capital Gains, O False King! King Chipkins gasped in shock. Not at all, he said. I stand for an aspirational Kingdom where all serfs can aspire to rent hovels to bottom feeders. Really, O wretched rogue? Saith Lady Nicola in surprise. But what about the wealth tax that will weigh heavily on the bent shoulders of suffering humble Mum and Dad serfs with $5 million doubloons or more of paltry assets? There must be some misunderstanding, replieth King Chipkins. There will be NO tax on the suffering Mum and Dads! The Baron looked like he was about to say something But Lady Nicola placed her hand firmly over his mouth. Oh, saith the Lady. Vile Jacobin, we were under the impression You were going to do something radical in favour Of the bottom feeders and their mean rental hovels with the mud floors. No, no, chuckled King Chipkins. Whatever gave you that idea? End of story! For ever and ever! For eternity! He looked down at his tumbleweed and raised his eyebrow. Sure thing boss, replied his tumbleweed, I’m a team player. Lady Nicola frowned in confusion. So why exactly are we having this duel? She asked. Beats me, said the King. So the duel was called off, all honour was restored, And The Boy King Chipkins, Silent Baron Luxon, Lady Nicola of the Expensive Fruit and Vegetables And the Tumbleweed of Finance lived happily ever after In the Kingdom where nothing ever, ever changed. Victor Billot has previously felt moved to write Odes for Tory Whanau, Chris Hipkins, Michael Wood, Christopher Luxon, and Wayne Brown.
