PSYCHE!
Po’ Him. It’s not been much fun being Cristiano Ronaldo at the Euros. There was the moment the Iceland team dared to block His relentless march to glory, preventing Him from becoming the first person to score at four consecutive European Championship finals by defending, tackling and allowing Nani to score instead. Then there was the subsequent funk, one so titanic that Bootsy Collins considered adding slap bass to it and offering it as a course at his Funk University (which is a real thing, genuinely). In it, Po’ Him accused a nation synonymous with being invented by Vikings, living in the dark, and grounding flights around the world with a single puff from however you spell Eyjafjallajökull of having a small mentality. Which was like an open invitation to the god of Hubris to blooter Him firmly up the hole.
Then came Portugal 0-0 Austria, during which He once again proved He is a global unifying force by encouraging 99.9% of the world’s Twitter users to write ‘lol’ as often as they could when He first missed a penalty, then scored a disallowed goal. Po’ Him was not happy, and spent the subsequent few days moping about the training pitch, to the great consternation of the Portuguese people and the great amusement of everyone else. Not even His Mr 15% could cheer Him up when he pointed out: “If there were a prize to distinguish the best person, He would win it.” Though perhaps only after Lionel Messi had won it for four consecutive years before Him.
It was left to the Portuguese coach, Fernando Santos, to put a brave face on things, insisting that He would continue to take the free-kicks that He keeps shanking into the stands. He also stated the Portugal side would not return to their country until 11 July - the day after the final - which may or may not be for their own safety when they are eliminated early.
And now comes the final indignity. Forced to embark on a stroll with the Portugal squad He was approached by a TV reporter who asked Him something or other. Perhaps in an attempt to recreate PJ and Duncan’s Let’s Get Ready To Rhumble, He decided not to answer the reporter’s questions. Instead, He quite literally wrecked the mic by turfing it into a nearby lake with precisely the sort of accuracy He has been short of in front of goal. Quite how His mood will improve after tonight’s rhumble against Hungary will be exciting to see.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I just did a perfectly innocent fart, and got sent off for it. The referee said that it was unsportsmanlike behaviour” – Pershagen SK footballer Adam Lindin Ljungkvist reveals he was sent off for failing to keep it tight at the back.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re. Brazil’s management change in yesterday’s Fiver. Does this mean that they’ve swapped a Dunga shaped hole for a Tite space?” – Jim Harding.
“Please let Justin Kavanagh (yesterday’s Fiver) know that we Scots/Jocks/Professors of Purple Tin would not make it past the first round of evolution as we wouldn’t make it through the qualifiers” – David Watson.
“I think I’ve worked out the clues in the pod’s photo. AC Jimbo and the two spares are posing in front of cardboard cut outs of the back row like ‘Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band’. This would explain why they are above Guardian Soulmates and why, if you play the pod soundtrack backwards, it clearly says the real ‘Barry Glendenning’ (if that really is his name) died in a freak bar stool accident and was replaced by a lookalike. And The Fiver starts coming earlier ... coincidence?” – Brian English.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Jim Harding.
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BITS AND BOBS
Taxpayers FC have put a blindfold on and strapped €20m to the dart they have been randomly throwing at European strikers they like the look of. This time they have hit Juventus’s Simone Zaza.
The Brexit campaign will be pleased to discover that at least 23 representatives of England will be out of Europe in the face of opposition from Germany, Italy and Spain after Mr Roy’s decision to make six changes led to one or two raised eyebrows among assorted FA blazers.
Rafa Benítez’s life in the Football League will begin at Fulham, Jaap Staam’s will start in Reading against Preston North End and speculation about when Garry Monk will lose his Nasty Leeds job will begin moments after kick-off away against QPR.
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Which of the balls in this quiz are genuine, and which were added by a Photoshop ignoramus who managed to convince people that compiling this amounted to a full shift.
STILL WANT MORE?
USA v Argentina: like watching a wedding band joined onstage by the Rolling Stones, reckons Aaron Timms.
Thorgrimur Thrainsson used to be a defender for Iceland, then became a children’s author. His role for the national side now? “All sorts of stuff,” he tells Ed Aarons.
Floating brain in a jar Jonathan Wilson turns his attentions to Colmbia v Chile in the Copa América semi-final.
Here’s Ben Fisher on the three Germans who have revolutionised Hungary.
And here he is again with this week’s Knowledge: have two teams with the same national anthem ever played each other?
And The Fiver is delighted to name John Barnes a new colleague.
