Alan Carr did it! But how did he manage to see off Joe Marley? And why did the victorious Traitor end up being the one in tears and being comforted by the Faithfuls? Hadn’t he deceived them to win the charity prize money? Shouldn’t he be consoling them instead? Has everyone lost their minds?
Well, yes we all have actually. And in fact The Celebrity Traitors has been a lovely autumn tonic for a nation which has lost its collective mind after years of strife and trauma and hating one another and watching videos where Influencers say, “Hey guys, people are always asking me...” In such circumstances, the BBC One show has been a lovely bit of escapism for everyone, in which a big cast of diverse characters gathered in nice castle with Gothic pretensions for some groupthink, many laughs and a lot of suspicion.
Alan Carr was the reluctant Traitor, as nervous as a lamb when he was first appointed by the dark queen of the night Claudia Winkleman, but one who transformed into a ruthless killer as the episodes ticked by. Best friends Paloma Faith and Celia Imrie were coldly bumped off by the rampaging Alan, encouraged by ‘big dog’ Traitor Jonathan Ross and backed up by ‘silent assassin’ Cat Burns. But as this finale got underway, both Alan and Cat were firmly in the firing line.
This was down to Joe Marler, who went into the show as the main man, the super sleuth, the sportsman willing to employ some dark arts to find the truth - a bully squealed the easily triggered, but come on, it is the game - and the only one to have figured out it was Alan and Cat, and to stick to it. At the start of the episode he had no doubts, he was confidently deciding upon the best strategy to take them down.
Joe had Nick Mohammed on his side, his “hundie” (best word of the series, though we also had the return of “flabbergasted”; meanwhile the phrase “It’s nerves, at least I own up” was the most memorable), and was so convinced that they were allies that he openly discussed with him whether they should remove Cat at the last roundtable or string out both her and Alan by getting rid of David Olusoga instead, so him and Nick could be left to pull the rug out from the Traitors when they were a final four.
In order to better control the game, Joe also decided to make an allegiance with Alan and Cat, cleverly convincing the Traitors that he thought they were Faithfuls, in order to get them to vote to banish David at the round table. This meant he would be in a position to then ultimately decide who would be banished; with Nick and David aligned to vote for Cat, and Alan and Cat aligned to vote for David, Joe would have the crucial final vote. But it was a fatal error.
However, before the final drama came the final task, which was another fun one. It was basically an escape room on a train, with the celebrities having to figure out some puzzles to unlock the keys. Brilliantly, Winkleman said they had to do it within the allotted time because explosives were rigged to go off. How Winkleman keeps a straight face through some of this stuff is incredible. She should win a Bafta just for that.
The round table was what everyone was waiting for though, as Joe Marler made his move. Sure enough, after the discussion about one another’s suspicions, the other four voted as Joe had designed. When it came to his deciding vote, he went for Cat, the urge to bag a Traitor just too strong. But as he did so, he said, “Sorry Cat.” Another fatal mistake.
As Cat left on the verge of tears - the first sign that real emotion would intrude on the game - the final four regrouped before the end game. And doubts crept in among them. Suddenly Joe’s rock solid game plan slipped away before our eyes.
Nick seemed taken aback by Joe apologising to Cat as she left. He shared these concerns with David. The thing about these two throughout the series has been that they’re both very clever, very considered players, but almost always totally wrong.
And here is the crux of the show... not that it’s a metaphor for social media, but that it is hard to truly read people and this means if you’re not careful, you can project ideas onto them and make bad judgements.
We don’t — can’t — ever truly know what is going on inside another human being, which is of course why it’s so interesting and maddening and thrilling and annoying to be around other human beings. We are endlessly fascinated by the mystery, as we know full well that we have our own secret self too.
The danger is though, that through powers of deception - either the manipulations of others (intentional or not) or simply our own self-deception (our gut!) - we totally misread people. Traitors is a game which wrings the drama and comedy out of that common mistake.
And so it was that in the final showdown, the last four voted to banish another among them, but it wasn’t about to work out as Joe had hoped. Alan Carr pulled a genius last gasp move! As Alan voted to banish again, he took the chance to say he was was doing so because he wanted revenge: “Joe had made a pact with me and Cat to vote for David, and then he betrayed us.”
Brilliant. Just brilliant. This immediately showed Joe was untrustworthy and those overthinkers Nick and David overthought again. But they wouldn’t would they... not after Joe had rallied them around to his conclusions earlier.
The boards were scribbled on, and unbelievably, the other two wrote down Joe’s name and he was banished.
The nation dropped to the floor and put its head in its hands. How had this happened? Alan could barely stop himself from grinning.
With Joe aghast, leaving like a disappointed - and hungry - grizzly bear, the final three voted again and decided to end the game there and then. Nick and David smiled, thinking they had rumbled Joe and were about the split the money with their Faithful friend Alan.
Not so!
As Claudia asked them to reveal their true natures, it became priceless theatre. Nick and David confirmed they were Faithfuls, and looked confidently at Alan. Only for him to then say... “I’m a Traitor.”
But then another twist! Instead of an evil cackle of Disney villain glee, Alan burst into tears, crying, “It’s been tearing me apart!”
Any feelings of rage and betrayal from David and Nick immediately fell away and in fact they all gathered to comfort and console Alan; “You’ve been brilliant... you’ve done so well.”
Was this a last final flourish from evil Alan to extinguish their anger and regain some ethical standing with a bit of victim crowing? Well, only the cruel would judge things that way. The poor man was upset. Lovely, funny Alan certainly played up being lovely, funny Alan to fool the Faithfuls, but it is only a game, and the sobs were quite obviously heartfelt. Not even Joe could stay mad at him when they all gathered at the end.
And that’s The Celebrity Traitors all over. For all the intrigue and debate and think-pieces and semi-outrage, it’s really just a lovely, funny watch. And sometimes that’s enough.
