Christmas Day: a time when even the most fervent soap denier can’t escape their telly fate. Yes, you can ignore soaps all year long, but have you even had Christmas if you didn’t gather round the TV to see someone screeching: “You’re not my muvva! / Have a bang on this proper naughty turkey / Call an ambulance – the baby’s coming”? Here’s what to expect from the climax of what has been a vintage year in soaps.
EastEnders is the hub of festive misery and this year it’s all about Sheanugate. If that means nothing to you, brace yourself. Cockroach-like hardnut Phil Mitchell will find out that his pouting wife Sharon has been doing the dirty with toyboy Keanu. A shaven-headed lothario who’s got two Walford women up the duff this year: Sharon as well as Phil’s teenage daughter Louise. Oh, and Christmas wouldn’t be complete without a hostage situation. Martin Fowler, who’s spent 2019 as the meat in the Stacey/Sonia love triangle, has suddenly become an out-of-control monster, so he’s the perfect candidate to celebrate Christmas by potentially waving a gun around.
There are rumours of a siege over in Coronation Street too, with a mystery man going on the rampage in the Rovers. Could it be quintessential bad boy Gary Windass? This has been a big year for him in terms of blackmail, loan sharkery and impregnating doe-eyed crimper Maria. And it is goodbye to Michelle Connor, who’s doing what soap characters do after a fairytale wedding: not living happily ever after with cheating love rat Robert.
In Emmerdale, all eyes are on the Tate dynasty. The feud between thrice-wed ball-breaker Kim Tate and her secret hubby Graham Foster is likely to intensify after he revealed he’s the father of her granddaughter. A dramatic festive birth is a soapland must, and Victoria Barton is taking care of business by going into labour with her attacker’s baby.
Then there is Hollyoaks, the soap with a gloriously non-existent grip on reality. It’s been a big year for the McQueen empire: sassy stalwart Mercedes got shot but now she’s woken from her coma, and serial-killer nanny Breda is just plain terrifying. As Christmas comes, Sienna Blake (also a killer) has happy news from her surrogate, but an explosive secret will have her smashing baubles all over the place. Merry soapin’ Christmas.
