PEP-ERONI
Pep Guardiola is renowned for being so obsessively attentive to detail that he could probably tell you the precise number of hoots he gives about whatever the Fiver has to say. But sometimes even the best prepared people can be taken by surprise, a lesson the Catalan has already learned at Manchester City. If there was one thing the famously meticulous manager did not expect to find at a Premier League football club owned by autocratic oil tycoons, it was greed. So you can imagine Guardiola’s shock and angst when that vice reared its ghastly bloated head at the Etihad.
Of course Guardiola had expected all City’s players to be rigorously disciplined: he, like everyone else, knew how abstemious they could be, having seen many times in recent seasons how carefully certain players have rationed their efforts in matches. But it seems that some players’ hunger for success is exceeded only by their hunger for cake and pizza, so Guardiola has had to impose a formal ban on pigging out. “You often hear managers say being healthy is really important, but with him, if you’re weight is too high, you’re not training with the team, so we have a few players who are not training with the team yet,” revealed Gaël Clichy during his club’s Tour of China, which, coincidentally, is the name of a Cheshire buffet emporium where some people who happen to look like City players like to spend Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday afternoons.
“Of course you have quality, but you have to know that if your weight is 60 kilos and you are on 70 kilos, then you cannot play football because you’re going to get injured and get your team in trouble,” continued Clichy, who is the only City player to have spoken publicly on the issue, possibly because all the others have their mouths full. But not for long, according to Clichy: “[Guardiola has] cut out some juice and of course pizza and all the heavy food is not allowed, that’s important.”
Meanwhile, Guardiola remains keen to get his teeth into the transfer market, and has a particular appetite for John Stones and Leonardo Bonucci, although he says he is contemplating deploying Fernandinho at centre-back if he does not land transfer targets. He even hinted he may user the Brazilian in other spots too, if every other City player becomes too tubby. “Fernandinho can play in 10 different positions, because he has the quality to play wherever,” said Guardiola, not mincing his words lest certain members of his squad start drooling.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Why can’t I go out to clubs? I can and I will … I am going to keep going out and I don’t see anything wrong with that … Imagine you’re 24 years old, earning what I earn and having all that I have. Wouldn’t you be the same as me?” – Neymar just wants to P.A.R.T.Y.
FIVER LETTERS
“On the basis that banks are beginning to consider charging business customers interest when their accounts are in credit, and Arsenal have a glaring void where Per Mertesacker used to be, surely now Monsieur Wenger will be keen to splash the cash? Hang on, did I just write that? I ought to know better” – Ian Castle.
“I am distraught to read Neil Richardson’s letter that 10 years has passed since a reader’s blind date with another reader [Tuesday’s Fiver]. Distraught because: (a) I must have been wasting my tea-time on the Fiver for over 10 years; (b) I remember the running story from the time; and (c) I find I am actually interested in the response to his question … and by the way, Neil, it hasn’t improved” – Alan Butterfield.
“It certainly seems harsh on poor Mike Wilner in Tuesday’s Fiver Letters to roll over the prizeless letter o’the day while shamelessly mocking him by riffing on his letter in the last line. It’s nice to see the ‘treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen’ policy which worked so effectively with Neil Richardson in action” – Alex Watson.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Ian Castle.
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BITS AND BOBS
Zinedine Zidane has turned to the north east, affixed an alluring grin and started fluttering his eyelashes furiously in the direction of Turin in the hope of luring Paul Pogba to Real Madrid. “I don’t know if he will come,” he flirted.
Teams competing in the FA Cup will be allowed to introduce a fourth substitute in extra time from the sixth round onwards in order to “add intrigue and interest”. “It is important for the FA to … further add to the drama and spectacle,” reckoned FA chief suit Martin Glenn.
Zlatan Ibrahimovic has deemed Manchester United good enough to train with him for the first time. “He is a huge character,” sighed Wayne Rooney.
Besiktas president Fikret Orman is unsure of the question but believes the answer is Mario Balotelli. “Mario Balotelli is the type of footballer that our fans can associate themselves with,” he warned, before admitting: “To be fair, if he wasn’t deemed as a trouble-maker, he wouldn’t be rumoured to be joining us.”
Arsenal, Liverpool, Manchester City, Manchester United and Tottenham Hotspur have all turned their noses up at the competition formerly known as the Paint Pot Trophy. Chelsea, Leicester, Everton, Stoke and others haven’t.
Marko Arnautovic has used the pen Mark Hughes has shoved under his nose to sign a new four-year deal with Stoke.
Social media outrage Twitter will be showing Premier League goals and highlights alongside un-thought-through bursts of rail commuter fury, cat videos and #bantz from the 2016/17 season onwards.
And Mamadou Sakho merked Jürgen Klopp before finding himself skittering out of Liverpool’s pre-season training camp on his tail. Draw your own conclusions.
STILL WANT MORE?
Which is the most tedious football team to have ever won a major international championship? The Knowledge has worked it out (spolier: not Greece).
Rob Smyth took one look at Gonzalo Higuaín’s £75.3m transfer fee from Napoli to Juventus and spluttered: “A socialist sport has become an orgy of unashamed, self-congratulatory avarice.” And not without justice.
Alan Smith spent a tough afternoon researching whether pizza is, or is not, good for you.
Tony Carr, who got Joe Cole, Frank Lampard, Michael Carrick, Rio Ferdinand, Glen Johnson, Jermain Defoe et al so good that West Ham flogged them, is now leaving the club. Jacob Steinberg mourns the end of an era.
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