OH FIVER! WE LOVE IT WHEN YOU TALK ABOUT FINANCE!
Ask any level-headed Arsenal fan who they’d like to run their club, and the answer will always be the same: a consortium made up of Troopz, three Old Etonians (preferably at least one with a double-barrelled surname containing no capital letters), the guy who interviews Troopz, the guy from the Pengest Munch, and Piers Morgan so he can do the tweets, please! But you can’t always get what you want, and for years now Arsenal have instead been co-owned by US tycoon Stan Kroenke and Russian billionaire Alisher Usmanov. Like cats in a bag, those two, and as a result it’s been a right old shambles: since they took over in 2007, Arsenal have finished third, fourth, third, fourth, third, fourth, fourth, third, second and fifth, and won three FA Cups. Empathetic fellow football fans in Croydon, Wimbledon and Leyton are passing around the plate as we speak.
That state of affairs might change soon, however, with Carter Pewterschmidt tribute act Kroenke tabling a £525m bid to purchase Usmanov’s shares. If the offer is accepted, Kroenke would own 97% of the club and be in a position to mop up all the minority holdings, before registering the business in the USA where he’d make all the decisions himself from behind an expensive thick curtain. It’s a prospect that’s put the fear of god into a group of supporters who have sourced financial backing to “find the money for Mr Kroenke and Mr Usmanov to make a huge profit and for us to get the club back challenging at the top”, but can only wait impotently to see how Kroenke’s bid pans out. And no, while the aforementioned group are unnamed right now, we’re pretty sure it’s not a dream team of Audrey fforbes-Hamilton and the Chicken Connoisseur.
Should Kroenke get his way, he might be in line for an instant return on his investment. This is because the Big Six – of which Arsenal are one, alongside Manchester United, Manchester City, Tottenham Hotspur, Liverpool and Chelsea – have today been proselytising for an end to the equal sharing of TV money, and the implementation of a new system to divvy up the cash according to league placing. It would seem the suits were seriously spooked by the recent success of Leicester, who last year made it two Premier Leagues out of 24 for clubs outside the aforementioned self-serving clique, a win which suggested the gap between the Big Six and the rest was no longer insurmountable. A worrying trend indeed, and one which simply can’t be allowed to go unchecked. So when that plate comes the ragged-trousered Fiver’s way, rest assured we’ll be sure to contribute every last bronze centime in our pocket. We can’t bear to see the likes of Stan and Alisher fretting like this.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“All of a sudden, I heard noises [in the tunnel] and I thought what’s happening? So I go out with my slice of pizza and I saw Sol Campbell, Rio Ferdinand, Martin Keown … everyone pushing each other. I was like I want to get involved but I don’t know how to and I threw … peeuuuuww … just threw it. Once I saw who it was hitting… well, I didn’t mean it” – just the 13 years after the Battle of the Buffet, Cesc Fàbregas (who else?) fesses up to being the Gunner responsible for delivering a slice of pizza – via the medium of a good old lob – into Lord Ferg’s mush.
NEXT GENERATION 2017
Sixty of the best young footballers in the world (go on, count them), who weren’t even born when The Fiver began – it’s our Next Generation class of 2017. And see if our 2016, 2015 and 2014 picks were actually any good or not by checking on their progress here.
SUPPORT THE GUARDIAN
Producing the Guardian’s thoughtful, in-depth journalism – the stuff not normally found in this email, obviously – is expensive, but supporting us isn’t. If you value our journalism, please support us by making a one-off or recurring contribution.
FIVER LETTERS
“Further to Harkarn Sumal’s request for Smiths songs that illustrate the current plight of Birmingham City, it might be quicker to list the ones that don’t given that they recorded these gems – Miserable Lie, What Difference Does It Make?, Suffer Little Children, I Want the One I Can’t Have, That Joke Isn’t Funny Anymore, I Know It’s Over, I Started Something I Couldn’t Finish, Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now. But for Blues fans who are looking at the positives/clutching at straws, there is always the 80s equivalent of Keep Right On … – There Is a Light That Never Goes Out” – Nick Hall.
“Re: Smiths tune/Birmingham debacle. I Know it’s Over will take some beating given it was likely the feeling that ‘Arry Redknapp, Birmingham’s management, fans and players had during the 24 hours spanning Redknapp’s dismissal and Steve Cotterill’s appointment. ‘I know it’s over, still I cling; but it never really began; it’s so easy to laugh, so easy to hate’ etc and so on” – Jimmy Mayer.
“After Neymar and Edinson Cavani’s public spat to bagsy the front seat of taking penalties for PSG, Cavani has been quoted as saying: ‘It is important that everyone strives for the same goal’. Surely that’s what caused the whole problem in the first place?” – James Christopher.
“What with all themes you’ve given to various injuries, there is a set of people you’ve forgotten, like Fifa, the FA and Sky Sports, to have pity on, us supporters. This injury comes up during international break. So I’d like to offer a name for the deep injury we feel at this time: international break-gah! Other contenders are welcome” – Nigel Assam.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Nigel Assam
BITS AND BOBS
Sam Allardyce is preparing to sue the FA for damages in a dispute over the way it reacted after his removal as England manager last year.
When your ground doesn’t reach the required Fifa capacity there’s only one way to sort it and that’s by adding more seats – sadly the ones at the Ekaterinburg Arena might not give fans the best view at the Ethics World Cup given that they have been built outside the stadium perimeter.
Harry Kane is set to be England’s new captain, leader, legend against Slovenia on Thursday after Gareth Southgate confirmed the Spurs striker had won the armband raffle. “It makes me very proud. Walking out at Wembley will be amazing for me,” blathered the man who walks out at Wembley every other week.
Leicester will be without Adrien Silva until January due to paperwork-knack after Fifa refused to hand over his Transfer Certificate due to confirmation of the player’s move from Sporting to Leicester landing 14 seconds after the transfer window slammed shut.
Oldham Athletic failed to pay their players and staff for September. Boo!
And Port Vale are hoping to bring back the good old days (when they beat Everton in the FA Cup in 1996) by appointing former defender Neil Aspin as their new boss.
THE RECAP
Sign up and receive the best of Big Website’s coverage, every Friday, it says here. Seems to be a curious lack of mentions for The Fiver …
STILL WANT MORE?
If you wanted to know which footballer appeared in a sticker album calmly holding a ciggie in his hand, the answer comes in this week’s Knowledge, which also features Cast frontman John Power getting back to Big Website with disappointing news.
As you can’t know everything about what’s happening during the international break, we’re telling you what to watch out for in this handy video.
Paul Wilson on Everton’s and the trouble with judging a team’s health on how much cash they splash in the summer.
If permutations are your thing, then see who can confirm their place (and how) for the World Cup in Russia in the upcoming qualifiers. You can thank Ed Aarons.
Joe Hart is about to go past Gordon Banks’ record of 73 caps (which must surely mean he’s the better goalkeeper) when England face Slovenia on Thursday. He got his chat on with Dominic Fifield about the feat.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
