The world is such an insecure little piece of dirt right now, and I don’t mean “Who’s he texting at midnight” insecure but more like “Where are we all headed and will there still be pizza” insecure.
What makes it worse is that GenZ-ers will grow up to be those grandparents who tell their grandkids about the tough times they lived through — staying in, cooking exotic recipes, making crap coffee, singing, dancing, ‘challenging’, and basically romping their creativity on the ‘gram for the ‘upkeep of general morale’. Just that thought is enough to help one confront death easier, maybe even wish it sooner.
More immediately, however, once this lockdown lifts, some people will lose jobs. Others will doff their sexy uniforms and don PPE costumes, face-shields and masks as they usher us on board — the upside of which is that cabin crew can’t be grounded for untidy hair or putting on weight anymore. But in general, these times need us to update that old adage about when God closes a door... she double-locks it!
Here are the ones who could be out of a job:
DJs: Let’s face it, they were warned it wasn’t a stable career choice. But on the upside, most DJs are actually qualified engineers/doctors who “chased their passions”. So finding a job with their legit degrees will be an easy reverse.
Restaurateurs: Not just owners but managers, chefs, staff… all are in the same leaky boat. Sanitary and social distancing norms aside, considering how everyone can now make sourdough and Poulet Sauté Chasseur at home, I think it will be a long time before anybody does the dance of death and dines out. And if they do, nobody’s tipping generously.
Athletes: Is there any need to be fit or fast if it doesn’t give you social bragging rights? Brag works only when others are around. Without them, you’re just a madman chasing invisible unicorns and nobody needs to pay for that kind of cheap kerbside entertainment. Certainly not anymore considering Trump’s second term might begin soon.
Flying crew: With no food being served onboard comes no need for those pesky people. While I feel bad for jobs being lost, I can’t help but wonder if it is down to karma. But don’t despair cabin crew, if you still wish to fly, buy a ticket like the rest of us, and you will know why empathy matters.
Influencers: Well they can never be out of a job because, technically, ‘influencing’ wasn’t ever a job to begin with. But yeah, they will be even more annoying as they try to pivot and find new ways to feel relevant.
Fortune-tellers: With the Earth now in quarantine and Mercury and Mars in a constant state of socially-distanced retrograde, no other species of charlatans has ever been more jobless. What love or travel are they soothsaying now? They could perhaps sell used cars in their next career but this right now is not a seller’s market.
Tailors: We might need an occasional shirt but pants are going to be rarer than working Sundays. They stand to get (down)sized. Sorry, couldn’t resist.
The newly-jobless thus may rush their CVs for these positions:
Delivery boys: All those Amazon packages won’t deliver themselves. Go chip in and help Mr Bezos make his next trillion. There’s honour in all jobs.
Dentists: To stare into the mouth of an abyss of death from where viral particulate could come flying at any moment, volcano surfing is tamer. We’ll constantly need more of them as old dentists quit or go to that great, big, white enamel in the sky.
Tech nerds: With most businesses shifting online, we’ll need a whole lotta’ nerd power to keep things going. Only caveat — too many geeky, socially-inept people huddling is always a bad omen for mankind.
Wildlife specialists: What with all this wildlife mucking about in town squares and residential areas, we need people who know how to handle the situation. Guess we put Joe Exotic away at the wrong time.
This column is for anyone who gives an existential toss.
