If you grew up in the 80s or 90s, you likely heard the phrase ‘tough love.’ In short, it was a catch-all for parenting tactics that prioritized resilience and obedience. Parents told us it ‘built character.’ Looking back, however, many of these common practices were not just ‘tough.’ In fact, they were deeply damaging. Modern psychology, for example, has shown us the profound, negative impact of these methods. Consequently, we now correctly identify what was normal then as abuse. Let’s re-examine the parenting many of us survived.
1. “Crying Gets You a Real Spanking”
In the 80s, many parents viewed emotions as a form of manipulation. Additionally, they treated crying, especially, as defiance. Therefore, a parent often punished a child physically for being upset. This taught a terrible lesson. Specifically, it taught children that their feelings were not only invalid but also dangerous. As a result, many grew into adults who cannot process or express sadness in a healthy way.
2. “Rubbing Their Nose in It”
This tactic was all about shame. If a child wet the bed or spilled milk, the parent wouldn’t just clean them up. Instead, they often forced the child to sit with the mess. Sometimes, parents even paraded them in front of siblings. The goal, in their minds, was to humiliate them so ‘they would learn.’ However, shame is not a motivator. Indeed, it is a soul-crushing toxin. This tactic taught kids to hide their mistakes at all costs, fearing ridicule over connection.
3. “Go to Your Room and Don’t Come Out”
We intend for time-outs today to be short periods of co-regulation. In the 80s, however, ‘go to your room’ was a sentence of extreme isolation. For instance, a parent might banish a child for hours, or even the entire day. This wasn’t about calming down. Instead, it was about removal. This tactic used a child’s fundamental need for connection as a weapon against them. Ultimately, it taught them that love is conditional and can be withdrawn at any moment.
4. “Eat Everything on Your Plate, or Else”
The ‘Clean Plate Club’ was a form of control. Parents forced children to sit at the table for hours, staring at cold food. In many cases, they made them eat until they gagged. This wasn’t about nutrition. Rather, it was a power struggle. Consequently, this tactic destroyed a child’s natural ability to listen to their body’s hunger and fullness cues. As such, it is a direct line to disordered eating and a complicated relationship with food in adulthood.
5. “Because I Said So”
This phrase was the ultimate conversation-killer. Essentially, it communicated that a child’s thoughts, opinions, or questions were irrelevant. The parent was the dictator. This, of course, stifles critical thinking. A child who never gets to question authority is unprepared for the real world. Furthermore, it creates resentment, not respect. In contrast, people earn true respect through explanation and discussion; they do not demand it through force.
6. “You’re Fine, Stop Crying”
This is a classic example of emotional invalidation. A child falls and scrapes their knee. Then, they are crying from both pain and shock. The parent’s response? ‘You’re fine. Walk it off.’ Unfortunately, this tells the child that their own perception of reality is wrong. It also teaches them not to trust their own feelings. Over time, these children become adults who are completely disconnected from their own emotional needs.
7. “Don’t Be So Sensitive”
Parents aimed this at any child, but especially boys, who showed vulnerability. Frankly, it was a direct attack on their personality. It taught them that being ‘sensitive’—or empathetic, intuitive, and caring—was a weakness. This is incredibly harmful. Therefore, it forces children to build a ‘tough’ exterior. Underneath, however, they are hiding their true selves. This ultimately leads to a lifetime of feeling misunderstood and ‘wrong’ for who they are.
8. “Letting Them ‘Cry It Out’ as Babies”
People promoted this as a way to ‘train’ babies to sleep. However, we now know it is a form of neglect. A baby’s cry is their only form of communication. For instance, they are crying because they are scared, hungry, or need comfort. When a parent consistently ignores that cry, the baby doesn’t learn to self-soothe. Instead, they learn that no one is coming. They also learn that their needs don’t matter. This has a profound, documented impact on attachment and brain development.
9. “Children Should Be Seen and Not Heard”
This philosophy treated children as accessories, not people. Parents tolerated their presence, but their voices were an annoyance. This total dismissal is dehumanizing. In effect, it teaches a child that their existence is conditional. They are ‘good’ only when they are silent. Consequently, this can create adults who are either painfully shy, unable to advocate for themselves, or, conversely, extremely loud as they overcompensate for a lifetime of being ignored.
We Can Break the Cycle by Naming the Behavior
It is easy to look at this list and feel anger or resentment. Indeed, that is valid. But the true power comes from recognition. We can look at the ‘tough love’ we received and call it what it was. For example, it was not strength. Instead, it was often fear, misinformation, or unhealed trauma. By naming it, consequently, we take away its power. We can then consciously choose to parent the next generation with empathy, connection, and respect. We can, in short, break the cycle.
Which of these did you experience, and how did it affect you? Let’s talk about breaking these cycles.
What to Read Next…
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- 9 Parenting Styles from the 80s That Would Get You Investigated by CPS Today
- Check Your Attic Now: 9 Childhood Toys From the 80s & 90s That Are Now Worth a Fortune
- 7 Canceled Snack Foods From the 90s We Desperately Need Back in Our Lives
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