In the greatest sartorial stunt since Sacha Baron Cohen turned up to film Bruno at the Milan fashion week, Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson have hit the Parisian catwalks as Derek Zoolander and Hansel to herald the arrival of a new Zoolander movie. Paramount subsequently confirmed the long-awaited sequel to Stiller’s 2002 comedy has been greenlit for February 2016, a mere 14 years after everybody’s favourite intellectually challenged, orange mocha frappuccino-quaffing male models fought it out for runway bragging rights. Here are a few essential accessories the follow-up film surely cannot manage without.
A worthy successor to Magnum and Blue Steel
Much has changed since 2002, when evil fashion mogul Mugatu (Will Ferrell) outrageously dared to suggest that all Derek Zoolander’s famous poses – even Le Tigre and Ferrari for chrissakes! – were variations on the same basic look. These days, people take the art of posing much more seriously. Google “Blue Steel” in 2015 and you’ll find a detailed WikiHow on how to pull off the look in the comfort of your own bedroom. In the age of the selfie, the ridiculous has become commonplace, and we’re sure we’ve seen “Magnum” at least twice today on Facebook alone. A new, even more outrageously really, really good looking pose is required, and preferably one that doesn’t show off too many of 49-year-old Stiller’s accelerating laughter lines.
A chic storyline to make the original look so 2002
Hollywood comedy sequels don’t have a great track record. Anchorman 2 failed to deliver the non-stop bellylaughs given to us by Adam McKay’s earlier movie, and the less said about Stiller’s own penis-obsessed Little Fockers the better. Zoolander 2 is rumoured to focus on Derek’s now overweight teenage son, last seen as an infant perfecting his own trademark pose. But that sounds like a pretty facile way to reintroduce the character: surely the film-making team can do better than tired old “laugh at the fat kid” motifs?
Hansel and Derek back at each other’s throats
Many of Zoolander’s greatest moments are from the film’s first act, as the two greatest stars in the history of male modelling find themselves hissing and spitting at each other like pissed-off kittens in a miniature bear pit. Once the pair (literally) kiss and make up, the movie gets a whole lot less interesting. The sequel should see Derek and Hansel battling it out once again on the catwalk, not teaming up to take down a new threat. And, besides, we’re desperate to see how Owen Wilson tops that impressive underwear-extracting stunt this time out.
Mugatu’s next evil plan
Ferrell revealed in September that the creator of “derelicte” is likely to be back in slinky black for the sequel. Will he threaten revenge on Derek with a dastardly scheme to torpedo the model’s vital work at the Derek Zoolander Centre For Kids Who Can’t Read Good and Want to Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too? Is he planning to convince the entire fashion world that Ugg boots are in for 2016? Or is his evil scheme simply to bring 70s-style polyester leisure suits back into style? And how on earth did he escape from the Malaysian prime minister’s body guards?
More technical epic fails
Derek and Hansel’s inability to get their head around the most basic technology was key to Zoolander’s genius: remember the bit where Hansel smashes a computer hard drive containing details of Mugatu’s nefarious schemes because he believes that’s the best way to expose them to the world? Fast forward to 2016, and imagine how the pair would deal with smartphones, Facebook, Twitter and – heaven forbid – wearable tech. Stiller’s selfie on the Paris catwalk could be just the beginning.
