REAL TROUBLE?
In the quiet solitude of his gigantic office back in 2016, crouched over his Pensieve, Zinedine Zidane shed a single tear. It was a momentous occasion. Florentino Pérez said it couldn’t be done. After years of trying, Zizou had finally got a piece of scrap paper in the small bin on the other side of the room. Unable to hold back a smile, the tear fell into what were now deep creases on his face and disappeared. It was the first time in a long time his face had expressed anything other than serene calm.
When he scored a wonder goal in the Big Cup final? He celebrated by slightly opening his mouth. Not exactly Tardelli. Sent off in the World Cup final? He simply furrowed his recently-utilised brow, and walked off. Zizou is a rock. Zizou is an island. But then the Frenchman hadn’t yet gone through the peaks and troughs that only a 2017-18 pre-season can bring. After only five defeats in 60 matches last year, Real Madrid have started this one by losing three on the bounce, including a humbling defeat to Pep Guardiola’s Manchester City and a ‘Clásico’ loss to Barcelona. Compounded by Him being busy with a tax-knack court case, Luka Modric potentially facing five years in the clink for suspected perjury, and Gareth Bale’s transfer speculation meaning he might face five years somewhere else, Zizou’s brave face came very close to slipping. But then, everything changed.
Last week, PSG delivered a gigantic cheque to some La Liga suits, MSN became MS-Dos, and suddenly everything was all right with the world. He has returned, in fine fettle too, apparently, ready to take on his old club Manchester United in Biggest Cup final. Suddenly doubt was cast from Zizou’s mind, any dangerous emotion vanquished, his face restored to a picture of calm. “[He]’s relaxed and what impresses me the most is that [He]’s as fit as the day of the [Big Cup] final two months ago,” cooed Zizou, dulcet tones flowing over the airwaves. “What interests me in the long run is that [He]’s fit. The fact [He]’s with us means a lot. If [He]’s with us, it’s because [He]’s ready to play. We’ll see whether [He] plays or not but the important thing is [He]’s with us. I think the team is feeling well. We’re eager to start the season. This is the first official match. We’ve been working and resting very well; now is when everything starts.”
Critics might debate to what extent Biggest Cup resembles another glorified friendly but, as any Arsenal fan will tell you, if there’s a shiny trophy to be won (particularly if you can win it at Spurs’ stadium), everything matters again. Football finally matter again! Hurray!
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“What slap? Stop dragging my name through the mud! Nice try but just so you know, you can never beat a person who never gives up” – Sulley Muntari gets fresh and funky on social media disgrace Twitter after claims were made that he introduced his open palm to the phiz of a referee, who just so happened to be called John Terry, during a ceremonial match in Accra last week.
HOME AND AWAY AWAY AWAY AWAY KITS OF THE DAY
“Fiorentina have decided to have four second strips and we have supported this particular idea, which values the history and traditions of Florence” – we’re not sure what local history Fiorentina chief suit Marco Brunelli has been reading, but The Fiver’s pretty sure releasing five kits in one season has never been valued by anyone but a bean-counter.
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FIVER LETTERS
“Spare a thought for poor Paul Merson. Brighton’s record signing is both a foreigner and a Propper football man. Conflicting emotions for Merse” – Derek McGee.
“Oh Fiver, please hear our cry! We Championship fans in Australia are being deprived of our beloved division because it appears our provider beIN Sports cannot deliver it to us this season. Many thousands here now have to face the ordeal of putting up with watching the less-exciting, soft-tackling pedigree extravaganza that is the Premier League” – Brian Dawson (and 1,056 flamin’ others).
“Re: Scott Pratt’s divine chemistry (yesterday’s Fiver letters). May I be the first of 1,057 chemistry-interested pedants to point out that, unfortunately for Scott, positive ions appear first in ionic compounds, such that the hook-up he witnessed would be one of MgO. Less conducive to humour maybe, but then again it’ll fit in better with the rest of The Fiver” – Zach Garber (and no other chemistry-interested pedants).
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Derek McGee.
BITS AND BOBS
Virgil van Dijk has slapped down a transfer request at Southampton via the medium of 495-word statement. “I am incredibly ambitious and want to achieve as much as I possibly can to fulfil my potential in what is a very short career,” he sniffed. “I had very much hoped to retain the good relationship I’ve always enjoyed with everyone at the club, especially the fans, but in light of everything that’s happened this has now been seriously affected.” You don’t say.
Ilkay Gündogan is back from cruciate knee-knack and could be fit enough to face Manchester City’s Catalan storage facility, Girona, in a friendly match after their first game of the season against Brighton.
Kevin Foley and Jermaine Pennant have joined the cast of 78-year-old former Premier League players at Billericay Town. “Big guns signed tonight!” whooped club owner Glenn Tamplin, perhaps while twirling his shirt around his head and gyrating his hips like a Bee Gee.
Richarlison. Watford. £11.5m.
Leicester have signed top, top youngster George Thomas from Coventry. “I’m buzzing, I’m delighted to get it over the line,” vibed the 20-year-old. “I’ve seen a few of the boys in the changing room. It’s all good at the minute.”
All hell broke loose in the Chinese Super League match between Shanghai SIPG and Tianjin Quanjian, including clashes between fans and a Tianjin official being sent off over … a towel, which was moved so a Tianjin player couldn’t dry the ball with it. “No matter if it was a white towel or a black towel, it has nothing to do with soccer but someone tried to make it a big issue,” sighed Tianjin boss Fabio Cannavaro, perhaps while wondering if the money’s worth it.
Trabzonspor are waiting to hear back off Spurs after selflessly offering to take Moussa Sissoko off their hands. “We have spoken with him and talks went well,” cheered club suit Gencaga Meric. “Tottenham want to recoup most of what they invested in Sissoko but we want him on loan.”
Bruno Alves gave Scottish fitba a ringing endorsement in a post-match chat with Pedro Caixinha after the Pope’s Newc O’Rangers’ 2-1 win over Motherwell. “He said it reminded him of playing for Porto B because it was a lot more physical,” honked Caixinha. “Bruno said it was different because the ball was always in the air.”
And about an hour and a half after Big Website published this club captains quiz, Huddersfield club captain Mark Hudson handily retired.
THE RECAP
Sign up and receive the best of Big Website’s coverage, every Friday, it says here. Seems to be a curious lack of mentions for The Fiver …
RECOMMENDED LOOKING
David Squires on … English football’s return, nuclear b@ntz and bam! bam! bam!
STILL WANT MORE?
Get your previews! Come and get your Premier League 2017-18 previews! First up: Newcastle. Second up: Southampton. You’re welcome.
Time is running out for a Samir Nasri resurrection, warns Nick Ames.
Holding World Cup qualifiers in outposts is hardly going to help build on England’s success at Euro 2017, sighs Suzanne Wrack.
Are Manchester City and NYC FC any closer to conquering the USA! USA!! USA!!!? Chris Young dons his mac and investigates.
That club captains quiz again, in case you skipped bits and bobs. You wouldn’t, would you?
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
