What do aliens want with our pop stars? More to the point, what interest do they have in our British ones? Zayn Malik, formerly of the group One Direction, told Glamour magazine that he left the massively successful teen group because an alien told him to in a dream. He also told Glamour he likes to “pay homage to Bob Marley” before performing, which is an excellent euphemism for smoking weed.
I have a hard time believing there’s a planet out there in the abyss full of spacefaring creatures who are willing to take time out of their busy trans-dimensional schedule to destroy a boyband, but maybe once you’ve mastered faster-than-light travel, all you want to do is kick back, listen to What Makes You Beautiful on repeat, and send your boyfriend snapchats from the space mall.
Of course, this is probably nothing but a bit of self-mythologizing. Being normal doesn’t work for musical acts anymore, if it ever did. Kanye West says something odd on Twitter about every three to five months. Lady Gaga rose to fame way back in 2008 by dressing like Twiki, the robot from Buck Rogers. It’s good business for people like Zayn to create an air of mystery around themselves. Beyonce has conquered the pop world by making us all think she’s actually from another planet because she’s so absurdly talented. For everyone else, believing in extraterrestrial life forms is the next best way to make yourself seem interesting. Just look at the supernatural warnings of Take That heartthrob/potential psychic warlock/England’s greatest export since prawn cocktail Walkers crisps/massive legend Robbie Williams.
Full disclosure, I am the only American who loves Robbie Williams. Well, me and my friend Derek, who once bought me the album Take the Crown for my birthday, which was the sweetest gift I have ever received other than the time I bought the football shirt from the Sing When You’re Winning cover for myself.
If you are British and reading this, you probably think I’ve lost my mind. After all, Robbie is taken about as seriously in the UK as Nickelback is here in the States – not at all. Robbie is basically a guy who is the most interesting bartender in your small town who somehow became famous. I first became fascinated with him after his appearance on MTV Cribs in which he passed off Jane Seymour’s house as his own. It wasn’t even his house! What a legend!
Now, if you are an American and reading this, you definitely have no idea who Robbie Williams is. He was never particularly popular here, though the video for Rock DJ was a mild TRL hit because of how amazed we all were that he ripped his own skin off. If you don’t know Robbie, simply put, he is who Zayn will be in 15 years.
Here’s an eerie fact for you to ponder: Robbie and Zayn are both from the north of England – Stoke-on-Trent and Bradford, respectively. Both are the “bad boy” of a beloved British pop act and left said pop act to pursue personal goals. Most importantly, both claim to have been visited by UFOs. They are practically twins, save for not looking anything alike.
Robbie, the cheeky lad, is a true believer in the paranormal and the fantastic. While Zayn might be putting us on right now, Robbie is the real deal. He actually submitted to being followed around by journalist Jon Ronson while exploring his fascination with space creatures – a story told right here in the Guardian in 2008. He explains to Ronson that his mother was a tarot card reader, which encouraged his interest in witchcraft, the occult and outer space. He’s fallen in with psychics and hucksters more than once, but his true passion is aliens. That passion was only further stoked by an alleged in-person encounter.
The Daily Mirror reported that Williams had told the singer Joss Stone that he was visited by UFOs in Los Angeles who were summoned when he played his song Arizona, a bonus track from the album Reality Killed the Video Star – an album which is almost exclusively about being really into aliens and how they are definitely real and you should go to the desert and take ayahuasca right now. He’s quoted in the Mirror piece saying: “People will think, ‘This geezer’s been in rehab, he’s off his head’. How mental are they going to make me out in the papers?” I say we give him the benefit of the doubt.
Unlike Zayn, aliens might not have told Robbie to leave Take That, and then reunite with them, then leave again, then come back to record a song for an X-Men movie. Quick aside: I love that music video for the X-Men song. Not only does Gary just kill his vocal, it also has a drone in it for no reason (maybe it’s a drone from another planet?), and Robbie does some stellar tricks with a mic stand in lieu of getting a solo verse or any other duties besides standing around and looking smug – his greatest talents.
So, if aliens aren’t telling Robbie what to do, why are they visiting him? Why are they visiting Zayn? Why haven’t they checked in on Jedward or Reggie N Bollie? One can argue that Zayn leaving 1D to release Mind of Mine was a stellar career choice. He’s a fully minted solo star and is dating Taylor Swift squad-adjacent member Gigi Hadid. Their advice has been so successful for Zayn that I’d argue the aliens deserve a 10% commission for their efforts. In fact, if the aliens would like to represent me out here in Hollywood, I would greatly appreciate it. I have a screenplay. It’s a remake of A View to a Kill starring Robbie Williams as James Bond ... and all the other parts too.
Zayn’s current run of success might not last long, though. Robbie hasn’t put out a record since 2013, and that was a swing album. He has put out two swing albums in his illustrious career and they’re both terrible, mostly because his voice sounds like a broken refrigerator or an entire box of breakfast cereal being stepped on by a truck driver wearing Birkenstocks rather than a person singing songs. I love Robbie, but his voice makes birds migrate south for the winter in June.
Sure, Zayn is a bit more talented than Robbie. There’s nothing on Mind of Mine as embarrassing as Robbie trying to hit a high note in the song Kids, his risible duet with Kylie Minogue. But, Zayn’s voice does sound like every other young male singer on the pop charts. He doesn’t sing so much as warble with a twinge of vulnerability about how he wants to “hold you close” or how he’s “faded every night” when he’s with you – the stock in trade of Justin Bieber. It’s generic love song material, but with some allusions to bad behavior thrown in to make it sexier. Sounds like Robbie to me, except Zayn has never released a song half as good as Angels.
Eventually, the vacuum of mediocre lyricism is going to be filled with the only thing it can be filled with: ancient aliens, flying saucers, the desert, ayahuasca-induced visions, and trips to Las Vegas with a talking monkey. He’ll also try to rap, which will definitely suck. Mark my words, Zayn will put out a record about being abducted before the end of this decade, and when he does, I want to be the one to document it. Come on, Zayn. I want to believe. Take me to your leader.
