A BRIDGE TOO FAR … AGAIN?
Arsenal fans still reeling from Tuesday night’s shambolic defeat to Watford will no doubt be delighted to hear Arsène Wenger revealing that he could have signed N’Golo Kanté, but didn’t. In the same way that The Fiver could have been an award-winning Proper Journalist, but isn’t, sometimes you just have to shrug these things off and get on with living your life. The Fiver has its unfunny jokes, Wenger has his proud record of top-four finishes. And isn’t that enough? Do we really need more? Can’t we just be happy with what we have? Sure, Leicester City signed Kanté and went on to win the title, but look at them now. There’s a cautionary tale. Don’t aim too high. Settle. Be happy with the top four. Kanté’s at Chelsea now and they’re top. But Arsène knows. Listen to Arsène. “Transfers are transfers,” Wenger said, performing his first ever Theresa May impression. “You cannot explain absolutely everything.”
But it seems some Arsenal fans are beginning to wonder if Arsène really does know and reports have emerged that the Frenchman is having second thoughts about signing a contract extension this summer, such is the growing discontent around the Emirates Stadium about yet another stuttering title challenge. Throw in news of the lentil bar at Fiver Towers shutting down and times are grim in Islington. But if The Fiver’s right-on millennial cousin, Snowflake Fiver, can stomach a Rustlers quarter-pounder for lunch every day instead of that quinoa muck, then Wenger can find a way to ignore the unhappy punters who reckon IT’S. TIME. FOR. HIM. TO. GO. IT’S. TIME. TO. GO. Word to the wise, Arsène: when your team gets dominated by Younès Kaboul and Étienne Capoue, don’t stay up all night eating cheese and watching the mouths arguing among themselves on ArsenalFanTV. It’s not good for the soul.
Unfortunately for Wenger, however, those YouTube Z-listers are likely to be up in arms come 2.30pm on Saturday afternoon because by then Arsenal may well have been subjected to another chastening experience at their least favourite ground. They’ve lost their last four at Stamford Bridge and haven’t won there since Chelsea were managed by André Villas-Boas, which doesn’t really count. Back in September, when Chelsea lost 3-0 at the Emirates, Antonio Conte briefly looked like the new AVB. But the Italian has remorselessly led Chelsea to the top of the table and they can go 12 points clear of Arsenal with a win.
The Fiver has a strong feeling about which way this one’s going to go, although Wenger has promised that his players will be more alert than they were against Watford, when they performed with the urgency of a team on horse tranquillisers. Maybe that had something to do with Wenger’s absence from the touchline and with him still serving his touchline ban, he’s likely to find himself watching this one in the stands while surrounded by Chelsea fans. If that experience doesn’t infuse him with a new appreciation for Arsenal supporters, nothing will.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“The fence was taller than me. It was icy and raining. What if I’d rolled my ankle? It sounds far fetched but the gate was stuck … I had to wait for the company. The stuff about the gaffer jumping the fence and us having a blazing row is complete nonsense. He came round to have a look at the gates. He didn’t stop. He didn’t get out of the car. You don’t get much signal in the house so I was standing at the top window on the phone trying to get it fixed and I’ve seen him pull up and drive away” – gate-gate takes a new twist as Ross McCormack hits back at Bernard Cribbins’s claims that he excused himself from Aston Villa training last month by saying the electric gates at his house were jiggered.
FIVER LETTERS
“Graham Taylor, the actor (I’m not the Steve mentioned in the video)” – Steve Cuthbert.
“So now it becomes clear. First Paul the Octopus, now Nozo Zintoyinto and the seashells (yesterday’s Fiver), there is clearly a theme here for successful prediction and tin is not part of it. Maybe The Fiver needs more nautically-tinted booze if it wants to be a hit in the soothsaying lark. Grog? Lamb’s Navy rum? Captain Morgan? $ex-on-the-beach cocktails? Bound to make you a winner” – Robin Hazlehurst.
“I know I’m a bit late, much like The Fiver, but I have a lot of work to do, unlike The Fiver. I’m writing in reference to Wednesday’s tale about Matty Taylor moving from Bristol Rovers to Bristol City. Such stories about players directly joining a hated rival always remind me of a quote from Michael Meier, Dortmund’s former managing director, on contract extension talks with midfield genius Andi Möller: ‘Möller and his advisor tried to get more money out of us while saying at the same time that he already gave his word to another club. Later he revealed that he wanted to join [Dortmund’s bitter rivals] Schalke. We didn’t tell him that he was bonkers. But we did think he was.’ After six years at Dortmund, Möller did indeed join Schalke in 2000 and stayed for three years. They never warmed to him there due to his past and Dortmund fans still pretend he never existed. What a great way to chip away at your own image” – Jörg Michner.
“I know Gillingham don’t get much coverage on here, but I’d just like to extend my gratitude to Bondz N’Gala for his service to the club after leaving on Thursday. He’s a shoo-in for player of the season, we never lost a game with him in the side or even conceded a goal. He always gave 100%, loyal servant to the club” – James Vortkamp-Tong.
“Nary a mention that the storied New York Cosmos are moving to Brooklyn, eh? Typical anti-hipster bias. Perhaps your cold-brew-sipping, kale-grazing, exotic-symbol-tattooing, lensless-spectacles-wearing, major-election-shunning, neck-beard-unshaving, L-train-riding cousin Hipster von Fiver can fill you in. Or this” –
Christopher Smith.
“I second Raymond Lish’s appeal to give West Ham fans a break (yesterday’s Fiver letters). After all, they’ve been dealing with enough abuse and fisticuffs from their own lot, without the rest of us wading in” – Craig Fawcett.
“Cue 1,057 pedantic Manchester City fans pointing out to Raymond that the club paid £20m towards the cost of converting the stadium from athletics to football use; paid the full cost of the new third tier of the South Stand; and – following the Etihad naming rights deal – increased the annual payment to Manchester City Council from £2m to £3m. In other words, the ratepayers of Manchester are getting a significantly better deal than UK taxpayers are getting from West Ham” – John Caley (and 1,056 others).
“Raymond sounded upset about a few things, not least that ‘Tottenham Hotspur planned to demolish the Olympic Stadium and give nothing to the taxpayer’. My recollection is that Spurs’ proposals for a new, purpose-built, football stadium on the Olympic site also included the building of a new national athletics stadium at Crystal Palace. Maybe Mr Lish’s seat at West Ham’s new home is too far away from the action for him to have spotted that” – Roy Saunders.
“West Ham are not the only team that The Fiver singles out for unfair and biased criticism. Your recent mentions of Sunderland all seem to suggest that we have an incredibly lacklustre team managed by a defeatist sourpuss, whose imagination appears to go no further than trying to recreate Everton’s 2012 reserves. I am at a loss to explain your insistence in continuing these slanderous indictments” – Jack Dunning.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Steve Cuthbert.
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RECOMMENDED VIEWING
Get a first look at the trailer for Don’t Take Me Home, a new documentary following Wales’s run to the Euro 2016 semis.
BITS AND BOBS
Saido Berahino served an eight-week suspension after testing positive for a recreational drug during his time at West Brom.
Existentialism’s Jürgen Klopp has explained why he gave fourth official Neil Swarbrick a good ol’ berating during Liverpool’s draw with Chelsea. “Behind a manager is still a human being and we are all weak in parts,” he mused.
The news regarding Millwall/CPO/Lewisham Council is that there is no news. “Millwall Football Club is deeply concerned that the council has yet to clarify formally what its position is on the CPO process,” read a statement.
Beach-goers! Expect to see Ian Ayre’s glistening torso in the near future.
Manchester City’s Sergio Agüero has never even heard of the up-and-coming holiday resort Doone, according to his Mr 15%. “Yes, he is very, very happy – he will [still] be there next season,” roared Hernán Reguera.
If you’re catching up from Thursday night, Cameroon are into an Afcon final against Egypt after beating Ghana 2-0, while Huddersfield battered Championship leaders Brighton.
And England’s future looks bright after the FA handed its Under-21 reins to Adrian ‘Aidy’ Boothroyd. Oh.
STILL WANT MORE?
Nothing much impresses Shania Jacob Steinberg these days, especially the latest series of Sherlock and the increasing pointlessness of transfer deadline day. Just don’t tell The Mill.
Premier League. 10 things. You know the drill.
Louise Taylor on Marco’s Silva bright start at Hull City and how Sporting once produced a 400‑page document detailing a series of apparent disciplinary breaches on the Portuguese’s part, including not wearing the club’s official suit on the touchline.
Louise has also been along to see Aitor Karanka at Middlesbrough.
David Hytner aims a few superlatives in the direction of Frank Lampard.
Stuart James on Matty Taylor (not that one), the first player to move from Bristol Rovers to Bristol City in 30 years.
Sports quiz of the week of the week.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
