Hooray for science! Researchers at the University of Southern California have created a computer algorithm that can test the strength of your relationship, and flag up the warning signs that tell you when your partnership is beyond repair. Lead researcher Shrikanth Narayanan discovered you can work out whether you’re headed for Dumpsville based on the way you move your head and use your voice.
According to the research, if your movements are uncoordinated and you’re suddenly bumping into each other a lot, or you’re using “I” instead of “we”, or “you” (an “accusing word”), you might find yourself single before Christmas.
The technology is impressive, but if we’re honest, the vagaries of the human heart really don’t need to be documented by a computer. It’s often said: in regards to love, when you know, you just know. And equally, you can usually trust your gut to tell you when it’s over. If you really need to do a relationship litmus test, here are 25 signs that the end is definitely nigh.
1. You find yourself fantasising about Taylor Swift’s net worth, and wondering if you could make a fortune by penning a song about your partner and their most irritating habits. What rhymes with “open-mouthed chewing”?
2. After losing your phone you get a brand new number, and it takes three weeks for your partner to realise what’s happened and update your contact details.
3. You have permanent prune fingers because you’ve swapped showers for lengthy evening baths in order to spend less time conversing with them or looking at their stupid face.
4. Once you borrowed their jumpers because it made you feel closer to them. Now you steal their T-shirts and wear them for special occasions – like taking out the bins, washing the car or eating spaghetti.
5. Occasionally you deliberately break wind in order to stop them from entering the room.
6. If they turn up unexpectedly when you’re with your friends in the pub, you’ve been known to say “Oh no! Er, I mean, oh, no one mentioned you could make it, what a lovely surprise!”
7. Sometimes you dream about accidentally becoming part of a crime scene and having to go into the witness protection programme. Losing your home, family and identity seems like a small price to pay for being able to avoid your partner forever.
8. You can’t remember the last time you ate out together without using a money-off voucher.
9. The state of your underwear drawer is gloomy – the once white stuff is grey; the black stuff is grey – if you do get anything new, you buy it in grey to save time.
10. You don’t know what your song is, as a couple – but you start dancing enthusiastically as soon as you hear Beyoncé’s Single Ladies. Even if you’re in a supermarket or minicab office.
11. If you’re planning Date Night, you always choose the cinema – you can both sit in silence, and it’s too dark for anyone to see you together.
12. Your other half tells you they have to go to China for three weeks, for work – and you do a discreet air punch.
13. Your reasons for avoiding sex are becoming increasingly creative. “It’s my nan’s birthday and I don’t want her looking down from heaven and seeing this.” “The doctor said it can’t be exposed to light or air.” “Last time, the cat walked in and became traumatised.”
14. Occasionally you daydream about people you could set your partner up with – then wonder whether it’s actually fair to inflict them on anyone you know and like.
15. You have at least eight “adopt a puppy” website tabs open on your browser at any one time. Your partner is allergic to dogs.
16. Instead of saying “Congratulations!” to newly engaged friends, you react to their news with sarcastic, hollow laughter.
17. Their mum asks for your advice when buying them a present, and you can’t name a single one of their hobbies or interests. “Maybe pyjamas, as they like … sleeping?”
18. You change your Netflix password and refuse to give them the new one.
19. They ask to borrow £3 for a parking ticket. You make a note of it and demand it back the next day.
20. You have a pet name for them, but you only use it behind their back and you’d be ashamed to say it in front of your parents.
21. On social media, you increasingly avoid them. You’d never dream of putting “in a relationship” on Facebook; on Twitter you grudgingly like their tweets, but you’ve stopped retweeting them.
22. You buy a travel kettle and boil it in the bathroom to get out of making them a morning cup of tea.
23. If they ask you whether they look fat, you stare at them for some time and give the matter some serious thought.
24. You enter competitions to win holidays for one.
25. All you want for Christmas is to get dumped.
