The New Year is beckoning, and our thoughts turn towards making resolutions. It's been a long time since I've been stupid enough to make any promises on my own behalf, but I am happy to suggest a handful of changes that might make the music industry a little more tolerable in 2008. Please feel free to suggest your own....
1. Prompted by the unbelievably shameless slice of 'That's Entertainment'-lite that was The Enemy's dire 'We'll Live and Die in These Towns', it's time to change the plagiarism laws. It should no longer be deemed necessary to prove that a song has ripped-off a chunk of lyrics or stolen a melody wholesale - there should simply be a clause citing Utterly Uninspired Imitation. Play The Enemy song to ten music fans. If they all agree (and they surely will) that it constitutes a lame, heart-sickening, mercenary soul-jacking of the Jam's true spirit then it will be considered undesirable material and locked away somewhere deep underground forever. It would save a lot of bands the trouble of making music at all - which, in the case of The Enemy, can only be a good thing. It might give Primal Scream a few problems, too, come to think of it. Excellent.
2. Critics will stop comparing Richard Hawley to Roy Orbison. Now, I'm very fond of Hawley, but Orbison sounded like no-one who has sung, sobbed or strummed, before or since. He was a musical pioneer with a four octave range who could turn his lily-white hands to anything: feral rock'n'roll, melodramatic pop, Tex-Mex rave-ups and big, weepy bolero ballads. He certainly doesn't share any DNA with a crooner who drawls his way lugubriously - and very enjoyably - through each song like a trawler dredging the ocean floor. Let it go.
3. If the Sugababes change one more member they will be forced - by law - to call it a day. It's getting silly.
4. Rather like the three-foreigner rule that used to apply in football, the industry will introduce a three-reformations rule in order to encourage the progress of new bands. Any bunch of ancient old buffers planning to reform will submit their claim to an 'expert' panel (comprised of, I dunno, Gideon Coe, Steve McLaren, Lauren Laverne and Chico - but all suggestions welcome) by no later than 31 January 2008. The panel will consider the band's various merits before permitting only three to reform publicly over the next 12 months. Everyone else will have to join the queue for 2009.
5. Cliff Richard's half-century celebrations will be observed with due diligence by all. Forget 'Mistletoe and Wine'; remember 'Move It' and 'Some People' instead. Let's make 2008 the Year of Due Respect for Cliff.
