Most of us Black or Asian people you know will have one.
The “friend” who thinks knowing us insulates them from the charge of racism when they are being just that.
Ex-England cricketer Gary Ballance admitted in a statement last week he’d called Yorkshire teammate, Azeem Rafiq, a “P***” – but said it was done “in the spirit of friendly banter” (try that at work and see how you get on).
Ballance has come clean because, in August 2020, Rafiq gave an interview in which he spoke about the racism he experienced at Yorkshire, including an “openly racist” captain and a dressing room in which racist comments were seen as humorous.
The club effectively stuck its head in the sand, but an independent report has blown the whole thing wide open.
Sponsors have withdrawn their cash, chairman Roger Hutton has resigned and English cricket’s most successful county has been banned from hosting internationals.
But back to Ballance.
He claims to be incredulous that calling an Asian person the P-word could cause the kind of hurt and anguish it did to Rafiq.
“If I’d believed it, I would have stopped immediately,” said Ballance.
“He was my best cricket mate and I cared deeply for him.”
Just not enough to stop using this horrendous racist slur against him.
It is easy to believe this is a story just about Yorkshire, cricket or even sport.
It isn’t.
Go into any office, factory, shop floor or football club you like and you’ll find at least one dinosaur convinced that racist abuse can be used as a term of affection.
‘Can a racist term ever be defined as banter?’ trilled the Twitter account of the BBC’s Question Time. Yes, really.
It may as well have asked whether slapping your partner is ever justified.
Or whether political corruption is ever justified if the money is for a good cause.
If ever we needed a snapshot of the institutional racism that infects this country to its core, the past week has provided it.
Ironically, there is more outrage and anger directed at those who call it out - as Rafiq has found to his cost - than at the issue itself.
Yet the fact remains, across any number of industries and sports, individuals like him invariably find themselves one of the only Black or Asian people in the room at the mercy of the bigots.
Across the country you’ll find individuals pulling the emergency ripcord defence that their workmate, best friend, neighbour, partner, even husband or wife is black.
As if that allows them a free pass to use the kind of language or go down the routes that would otherwise see them vilified.
The Government does it even now. Prime Minister Boris Johnson surrounds himself with gatekeepers such as Kwasi Kwarteng, Kemi Badenoch and Priti Patel, believing it protects him from stick for describing Burqa-wearing women as looking like letterboxes.
Or describing black people as ‘picaninnies’.
Question Time is no exception. Presumably pointing to whatever black or Asian members it has on its production team.
And no, it is no defence that the offensive question tweeted was one posed by an audience member to spark debate.
Rafiq’s forthcoming appearance in front of a parliamentary select committee may well bring the rest of Yorkshire’s house of cards down.
But the shock waves are already reverberating way beyond cricket.
PS: You’re not someone’s friend if you’re using racist language towards them.
