For many, “coming out” is a slight misnomer. The phrase implies one definitive act – you’re in the closet, and then you leave it – whereas the reality can often be more nuanced. Coming out as gay, lesbian, bi or trans isn’t a one-off event: it’s something that can happen dozens of times. Perhaps you first come out to a friend, then a parent, and then your wider circle, before finally plucking up the courage to tell your gran (who says she’s always known, before carrying on with her Sudoku – if you’re lucky).
Coming out at work can be an even more protracted process. The average person changes jobs 10 to 15 times in a working lifetime, and that’s without factoring in an ever-changing carousel of colleagues and clients. It’s probably unnecessary to announce your gender identity and sexuality to every contractor, freelancer and intern you encounter, but at some point the subject is bound to come up. Since most people are assumed to be cisgender (those whose gender identity matches the sex that they were assigned at birth) and heterosexual, how does it feel to tell your workmates otherwise?
Vijay Sitlani, 43, is the finance director of P&G. Born in India he worked for the corporation in India and Singapore, where he felt it was very difficult for him to come out. When he moved to Geneva, his attitude became more relaxed within a more inclusive environment. By the time he transferred to the UK business in 2016, he felt comfortable coming out as gay to his entire team and started helping other LGBTQ+ employees find their courage. “You don’t just come out one day and then you’re out, it happens in small, baby steps,” he says. “When I worked in Singapore, there were only a handful of colleagues who knew that I was gay, and that was mostly for logistical reasons such as arranging visas for my partner. At P&G, when someone from management introduced themselves to a team, they’d usually show a slide with a picture of themselves with their wife and children. My slides would always be about my career history and nothing else.
“Then, when I came to the UK, I was aware that it was more liberal than the other countries I had worked in. It took great guts, but when it was time to introduce myself to my new team, I put up a slide that included a photograph of my partner, my dog and me. Nobody batted an eyelid, which felt like a big milestone for me.”
Others have had less positive experiences. “When I first started working, I used to dread answering questions about my personal life,” says Ruth Holland, a 31-year-old producer and director. “The responses were always so predictable. People would say: ‘Oh, really, I had no idea you were a lesbian!’ I’d think: ‘Why would you have?’ Once a male colleague asked if I had a boyfriend, and when I told him I had a girlfriend, he said: ‘You’re not a lesbian, you’ve got long hair!’ I don’t think he was being malicious, but you could have heard a penny drop, and I’d have appreciated someone taking the heat off me and telling him he was being ridiculous. Other people would ask really personal questions, such as ‘How did you come out?’ or ‘How are you going to have a baby?’ They aren’t conversations that you necessarily want to have in big groups, or with people you’ve just met.”
Holland is far from alone, and recent research by Stonewall revealed that almost one in five (18%) LGBTQ+ employees have been the target of negative comments or conduct from colleagues in the last year. The situation is particularly bad for trans people, with almost one in four (24%) saying they’ve missed out on a promotion as a result of discrimination.
Shon Faye, 30, is a Bristol-based writer, artist and standup comedian, but originally trained as a solicitor. “After coming out as trans, I applied for a job as a solicitor paralegal, which I found quite difficult,” she says. “It was quite early in my transition, so I didn’t look particularly feminine, and I felt quite anxious to turn up to a job interview where they’d be expecting a cisgender woman. In the end I decided to mention the fact that I was trans on my cover letter, and once I got the job I was asked whether I wanted my team to be told.
“Everyone was perfectly nice about it, but there were a few awkward moments where well-meaning colleagues got their pronouns wrong, and said things such as: ‘My uncle became my aunt and we all respect him.’”
Despite law being regarded as a stereotypically conservative industry, Faye says: “I’ve actually had to deal with more transphobia since working in the media. For instance, a television producer asked me lots of intrusive questions about what hormones I was on. I think it’s because lawyers are petrified of being sued, which is quite healthy in a way. The media has a more informal atmosphere, which can lead to more problems.”
Thankfully, things do appear to be improving. “Workplace cultures have changed a lot, even in the past 10 years,” says Holland. “There’s a lot more awareness about what’s appropriate to ask an LGBTQ+ person. It’s one reason I think it’s important to come out at work, because visibility makes a difference. The more commonplace LGBTQ+ people are, the less you feel defined by your sexuality, rather than being good at your job.”
But with more than a third of LGBTQ+ staff (35%) still hesitant to come out at work, what can be done to make the process easier? “I think it’s good to be proactive by challenging homophobia, transphobia or biphobia,” says Faye. “But it’s also good to respond to individual needs. If you’re the only trans person in an organisation, you don’t necessarily want to become the go-to for trans issues. If people have just come out, being expected to be an authority on LGBTQ+ issues can be quite burdensome. It’s about responding to the person and what they want.”
Sitlani’s experience of coming out was helped by the fact that P&G has a GABLE (gay, ally, bisexual, lesbian and transgender employees) affinity group, which runs training sessions exploring how straight employees can be good LGBTQ+ allies. “P&G are making a lot of headway in inclusivity culture,” he explains. “People wear a rainbow badge, or have stickers on their laptop, to openly show they are allies.”
As for the advice he’d give anyone thinking about coming out at work? “There is no best way to come out,” says Sitlani. “It’s entirely up to the individual and how they feel about it. Everyone is on their own journey and you have to do what makes you comfortable.”
