Lost in Showbiz has said this before, but seriously: do not attack Jordan. Do not take stuff that is rightfully hers. That rule is up there with not dating drummers, and with not starting a land war in Asia. She is the zen mistress of taking all comers and you will never - never! - subjugate her.
And so to the 100 pages and £500,000 Hello! magazine has lavished upon the wedding of Princess Anne's boy, Peter Phillips, to Autumn Kelly. You fools, House of Windsor! This is going to be your Bay of Pigs.
The very second Lost in Showbiz saw that the royal family had made unauthorised incursions into the pages of Hello!, it winced. But even by her own audacious stadards, the nature of the model's counterattack was spectacular. To wit: she allowed it to become known that she was planning to compete in the Olympic dressage team. You see what she's done there?
If Princess Anne's kids are going to bray flatfooted into her world, then she's going to take the fight right back to theirs - all the way to Zara's precious little horsey career. It's like a Bratz doll squaring up to Polly Pocket.
A very well-placed source tells the Sun that Jordan has a "top quality" horse called Dana, who "could take her all the way".
And when she takes gold and Zara's left with silver - in the coolest ever update of International Velvet -I want you to remember one thing. Jordan's not doing it for herself. She's doing it for every proper celebrity, every recently enhanced reality TVbot, every Wag with a new monogrammed carpet who has seen their rightful territories occupied by royal family settlers who have no right to be there. Christ, this isn't Spain. If Juan Carlos's subjects are comfortable with the aristocratic clusterhump of Hola!, that is a matter for them. But this is Great Britain: if we want to see what happens when a third-tier royal marries some arriviste bride, we'll go to YouTube and watch
Dynasty's Moldovian massacre episode again. (It's turning out to be quite the Dynasty-theme week.)
