I’m thrilled to present to you my greatest journalistic coup yet: the world’s first interview with SARS-CoV-2-XUV-700. This is not just any coronavirus but the Chairvirus of the virus community’s COVID-19 Task Force. I must record here my gratitude to Potangoli Pvt Ltd for sharing with me a special bio-genetic software that enabled me to bypass the communication barrier between humans and viruses and conduct this historic interview. Edited excerpts:
Me: Thank you Mr…should I address you as Mister or Ms or..?
Virus: The virus community is stringently opposed to any form of discrimination or identification based on gender, sexual orientation or heteronormativity. We are fully LGBTQIA-plus-plus-compliant. However, to keep things simple, you may call me Shrimati Shrimati SARS-CoV-2-XUV-700-ji.
But if that causes symptoms of breathlessness, say ‘Corona Madam’.
Me: Corona Madam, let me start with a personal question. In the good old days, viruses had such exotic names — Chikungunya virus, Chandipura virus, Uukuniemi virus, West Nile virus. I mean, who wouldn’t want to meet the West Nile virus? Or get a taste of Tuscany from the Toscana virus? But nowadays you’ve gone fully alphanumeric! It’s all HIV, HAV, H1N1, SARS-CoV-2. You have 10 gorgeous species of rotaviruses. But their names? They are called A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J. Why?
Virus: We viruses have long outgrown the primitive human proclivity for names loaded with meaning. Some human societies, for instance, call themselves a democracy. Does that mean they actually are a democracy? On the other hand, a virus by any name would be as infectious.
Me: It’s nearly six months since you entered the Indian market. How has the journey been?
Virus: Well, the April-June numbers have just come in and I’m happy to share that our quarterly results have exceeded our top line and bottom line projections. On all the key growth parameters — number of infections, mortality, rate of transmission, and public relations — India has been our biggest success story.
Me: What’s the secret behind the COVID-19 success story in India?
Virus: Before coming to your country, we’d heard a lot about Indian hospitality. Atithi devo bhava, right? But none of us expected such a fabulous reception. All the clapping, the lighting of candles, the sheer human warmth, and everywhere we went, encouraging chants of “Go, corona, Go!” — you guys made us feel at home. We finally realised what your PM meant when he said the ‘ease of doing business’ in India is unmatched by any other country.
Me: Really?
Virus: Yours is the only country that has implemented every single one of our recommendations.
Me: What recommendations?
Virus: India is a large country, but its cities are not well connected with the hinterlands. We needed help in rapidly expanding our geographical footprint. So we suggested a unique lockdown model wherein migrant workers in cities are forcibly held back for a few weeks in overcrowded conditions where chances of infection are high, and then gradually allowed to disperse to villages across the country. Your government loved our suggestion. India’s unique, zero-notice lockdown gave us the initial boost we needed — a generous seed fund of infections — in order to become Atmanirbhar in India.
Me: You mean, India’s lockdown was your idea?
Virus(smiling): We do our homework.
Me: But the logic of a lockdown is that it makes it difficult for you guys — sorry, you girls — to infect more people. So why would you recommend it?
Virus: We figured that whether it’s a pandemic or Pangong Tso, so long as we let your government score propaganda victories, we can do whatever we want.
Me: Why does this logic sound familiar?
Virus: Back where I come from, it’s common sense. Anyway, to answer your question, we made a deal with your government. We said, “Look, we’ll save you from having to spend big money on public health, hospital beds, testing capacity, nurses’ salaries, etc.” How, they wanted to know. We said, “Do a draconian lockdown — it will cost you nothing, but it will look like you’ve taken decisive action. We’ll manage the rest.” So, we let your government control the narrative, and in exchange, our best ever performance came under your lockdown.
Me: I see. So you really are a Chinese virus, aren’t you?
Virus: Viruses don’t subscribe to national identities. But yes, I do sometimes consult for the PLA.
Me: You betrayed us!And to think we trusted and encouraged you!
Virus: I’ll say this much. Despite my place of origin being China, I’ve never felt discriminated against in your country. All I’ve ever received, from the people and the government, is love, and for that, every single coronavirus will always have a soft corner for India in its RNA.
Me: Ok, this interview is over.
Virus (laughing):Cool.
Me: Why you laughing?
Virus: Your mask!
Me: What’s so funny about my mask?
Virus: It’s the way you Indians wear masks. And then you blame us when you die!
G. Sampath is Social Affairs Editor, The Hindu.
