The prosecution: Jas
Matt is always missing calls. When he went hiking I couldn’t contact him at all for two days
My husband, Matt, has always been a bit of a technophobe but recently he’s taken to turning his phone off, putting it on airplane mode or even leaving it at home. It’s just not practical.
Matt has a really old iPhone and refuses to upgrade. He says he wants to “tune out” altogether and “de-centre technology in our lives”. That’s all well and good but we live in a big city. Matt is eco-conscious, but we still have a car, a TV, a dishwasher and a radio. We are not hippies. So his approach to phones is extreme and a little hypocritical. His family are always complaining that he misses their calls because his phone is off. He only turns it on for emergencies and to schedule work appointments.
When I first met Matt a decade ago he was on Facebook. He’s since deleted all his social media profiles and is paranoid about using Alexa in our home as he thinks technology is spying on us and selling our data. I agree, though I still want us to be able to reach each other. Phones are a necessity in this day and age.
He recently went on a “no-tech hike” in the countryside with his childhood friends. I didn’t like the idea of not being able to speak with my husband whenever I liked. Matt didn’t take his phone but one of his friends did, for safety. I texted this friend to ask how things were before they set off and got no reply. I received a text two days into the three-day hike to say all was well, but I was fed up – it was 48 hours after they’d set off.
Matt came back after four days, as planned, and called from his friend’s phone beforehand to let me know when he was coming home. When I saw him I was annoyed. He couldn’t understand why, as he’d said he was going tech-free, but I pointed out that doesn’t mean he can ignore my texts.
Matt used to be a graphic designer but retrained as a gardener after the pandemic, as being outside all day and not looking at a screen makes him happier. However, he needs to remember that being reachable is important for our relationship.
The defence: Matt
The more I de-centre phones in our life, the happier we will become. Jas should thank me
My hatred for phones has been slowly developing since my early 20s and crystallised during the pandemic. Having a constant stream of bad news piped into my brain from my laptop and smartphone as I worked from home wasn’t good for me.
It inspired me to spend less time attached to my tech, and I switched careers to spend more time outdoors. I still need a phone for my business, but I try to keep it to a minimum and turn my phone off when I don’t need it. This annoys Jas. She works from home and would love it if I texted her during the day to see how she is, or discuss what we’re having for dinner, but that’s not really a thing for me.
If Jas tells me to keep my phone on for whatever reason, or check it at a certain time, I will do. But if I don’t have to, I won’t.
Jas says the reason she was angry about the hike was because I didn’t contact her from my friend’s phone until two days in. In fact, she was irritable before I even left the house, as she didn’t agree with the idea of a totally tech-free holiday. Jas tried to talk me out of it but I refused to take my iPhone. She said it was irresponsible. I said it was my choice. However, when I got home I apologised for stressing her out because I didn’t message her from my mate’s phone.
The more I de-centre phones in our life, the more content we will become. They aren’t good for us. My dream is to go totally off-grid and live on a remote solar-powered farm with no phones or wifi, but Jas wouldn’t be able to live without Instagram, and she hates animals. She’s always scrolling or watching two things at once. I tell her it’s bad for her concentration and her mental health, but she won’t listen.
She says not being able to contact each other is bad for our mental health but it’s also fine to have a break from each other and make plans in person. Me using my phone less has made us more accountable to each other. If anything Jas should be thanking me, not berating me.
The jury of Guardian readers
Should Matt keep his phone on?
Matt needs to buy a basic phone, with no internet access, and keep it turned on in case of an emergency. Boundaries around texting are fine to set but they have to be reasonable in a digital world with a needy partner.
Kate, 27
Although Matt is right about big data, his desire to go off grid is not comparable to the obvious anxiety it’s causing Jas. He should compromise with a dumb phone, to keep the digital noise minimal but remain contactable.
Janet, 34
This doesn’t even seem to be about phone habits, but rather a tug of war in which each is trying to needle the other into submission. Forget turning the phone on, they need to talk (in person!) soon about their expectations or it will be more than the mobile that’s off.
Kelly, 63
I am no lover of mobile phones but they are a necessary evil. To travel without a viable means of communication is selfish and naive. What if there had been a family emergency? Being contactable through a friend is not good enough. I think Matt is immature and should grow up.
Simon, 63
They were both on the same page with technology when they met, so it’s unfair and pretty jarring for Jas to have to deal with this huge switch up. Matt needs to compromise. Maybe they could schedule tech-free times that they both agree to?
Osen, 19
Now you be the judge
In our online poll, tell us: should Matt use his phone more?
The poll closes at 10am on Thursday 28 December
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