The prosecution: Maggie
We both lead full lives, so why the rush to settle down and have kids? Liz worries too much
My best friend and housemate Liz is 32, like me, and an all-round fabulous human being. But she’s obsessed with dating and babies and just won’t let up on the subject. She’s always sharing toddler memes. I think she thought she would be the first in our group to get married and have kids, but she broke up with an ex two years ago. We moved in together then.
Liz says she’s feeling the pressure to find someone, as most of our friends are married or dating, and I empathise. I’m in the same boat. We live in a big city where app dating is de rigueur. Though while I take breaks from dating because I find apps tiring, Liz is constantly chatting to someone. I know her baby focus is driving this, but sometimes I wish she’d slow down. Liz also regurgitates a lot of toxic information about fertility that I don’t think is true.
I remind her that we have lots of time left and that having a baby with the wrong person would be worse, but sometimes it falls on deaf ears. She’s literally said: “I’m running out of time.” I think she should relax a bit.
Living with Liz is so much fun. We have girly chats about our dating escapades, and lots of nights in, but when she’s seeing someone she can completely fall off the radar. She was dating a guy for three months recently, and for that whole period I didn’t see her – she was constantly at his. Unfortunately it didn’t work out. I was happy to be a shoulder to cry on, but the next week Liz was on another date. She gets so invested each time.
I know that at the heart of all this is her worry about not having a baby by the magic age she has in her head, which is 37, but that’s five years away. I don’t think it would be the worst thing in the world for either of us if it didn’t happen by 37, because we lead full, interesting lives. Liz tells me it’s not the same for me as I am married to my job as a lawyer, whereas she is an artist and has more time on her hands.
I also want kids and a partner, but I’m just happy to wait until the right person comes along. I’d love for Liz to try to stay focused on herself until the same happens for her.
The defence: Liz
I tend to dive in headfirst but dating is what I want to prioritise right now
I am dating a lot at the moment, but so are all my friends. I think there’s more pressure on all of us since turning 30, because the biological clock is ticking.
Maggie says I read too much information about fertility and babies, but the stats and facts that I find online can’t all be wrong. I know that there’s no “magic age” for getting pregnant, but I’d personally like to be all sorted before 37. My mum had her third child by then, but at this rate I would love to have had just one.
I probably do date more than Maggie, and because we live together she notices it more than our other friends. My job isn’t as consuming, and dating is what I want to prioritise right now. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.
Maggie and I have known each other since university, where I had a long-term boyfriend. I suppose I was the one who talked about marriage and babies the most, because I was the only one in a relationship. But that ended after graduation. I got into another relationship, which ended after five years.
I’ve been to a few weddings in the past year, which is maybe why I’ve amped up the dating. Maggie and I moved in together after both finding ourselves single at 30. It’s been great, but I do think we have different approaches to dating. Maggie is much more matter of fact. She will cut someone off for any little discrepancy. She once stopped talking to a guy just because he wore odd socks on a fancy dinner date.
I am much more “let’s see how it goes” but I also tend to dive in head-first which Maggie says is my biggest mistake. I appreciate her words of comfort in hard times, and of course when she has a bad date or two, I do the same for her. I know she wants what’s best for me and I could definitely be more communicative with her when I’m dating someone – she said that I disappear and that’s true. But I do want to find a partner and that is taking a large portion of my energy.
The jury of Guardian readers
Should Liz calm down on the having a baby front?
If Liz would like to be “all sorted before 37”, there are various ways and means. But this isn’t really about babies; rather Maggie seeing her and Liz as a couple. Most telling, is Maggie saying that she “doesn’t think [pregnancy] would be the worst thing for either of us”.
Joy, 63
Ultimately, Liz knows what she wants and it’s up to her how she does it. Burdening yourself with comparisons with others and overdoing it with the research won’t help though. Also, Maggie is right about the odd socks.
Fred, 26
While I understand that dating is her priority, it sounds like she is letting her friendships slide. If Liz kept the fullness of her life when she started seeing someone new, perhaps she’d meet the right person as they’d get a chance to know her as the full person that she is.
Gabrielle, 29
The harder Liz pushes to find ‘the one’ the more difficult it will be. She should cut herself some slack, take time away from apps and see if she meets someone ‘in the wild’. It sounds like she has an otherwise great life living with Maggie, so try to get the most from that. After all, nothing lasts for ever.
Chris, 30
Maggie sounds like she has Liz’s best interests at heart, but she needs to accept that Liz has every right to prioritise what she believes will make her happy. She says she would love Liz to stay focused on herself, but to me it sounds like she is – Maggie just doesn’t agree with her choice.
Alex, 50
Now you be the judge
In our online poll below, tell us: should Liz relax on the baby front?
The poll closes at 10am GMT on Thursday 11 January
Last week’s result
We asked if Tom should listen to his boyfriend Pedro, and stop always cooking with butter.
50% of you said yes – Tom is guilty
50% of you said no – Tom is innocent
