The latest addition to the Russian authorities’ banned list – after Nick Clegg, gay people and lacy knickers – is yoga. Two hatha yoga studios which rent public spaces in the central Russian city of Nizhnevartovsk will no longer be able to do so. Public officials explained they were taking the steps “to prevent the spread of new religious cults and movements”. God forbid. Suffice to say, it is unlikely that Russia’s all-action president does yoga (in January, he expressed incredulity that India has a “Ministry for Yoga”). So for Nizhnevartovsk residents wondering what they are missing, here are four new yoga positions that might get the Putin nod of approval, inspired by Russia’s fittest man:
‘Riding the horse’
Remove your shirt. Imagine a horse, about 16 hands tall, between your thighs. Bring your hands together to the reins and slowly trot up and down. Trot. Breathe. Trot. Relax.
‘Downward facing opponent’
Stand up straight. Raise your right arm and inhale as you imagine grabbing someone who wronged you by the lapel. Exhale. Twist your hip 45 degrees and peacefully slam your imaginary opponent to the floor. Inhale. Grin, inwardly, at the thought of your ungodly power.
‘The diving eagle’
Begin in the plank position and slowly lower your chest on to the floor with your arms to the side. Exhale. Slowly raise your shoulders and arms from the floor (fingers pointing down to the ground) and imagine a Russian sea eagle soaring down to devour its prey. Om …
‘Two-handed elk feed’
Move from low-lunge to high-lunge, keeping your arms low. Imagine, if you will, two hungry elks about a foot in front of you. Feed them. Let them swallow. Feed them again. Exhale.
