HAIR TODAY, GONE TOMORROW?
The former Scotland manager Craig Levein may not have been the greatest tactician in the world, but the man had a mighty fine beard. His face fungus was blessed with magic properties. Depending on Scotland’s fortunes, his bellwether bristles would vary in length from a trim-and-tidy Noel Edmonds to the rather more outré Alfresco Competitively Priced Cider Consumer, providing fans nationwide with an easy-to-read metaphor for the state of their team. As if the scorelines weren’t enough.
Chelsea boss José Mourinho has been known to try this trick too, albeit with the hair on top of his head rather than the stuff growing from his constantly moving chin. Sometime during his first stint at Stamford Bridge, you may remember Mourinho shaving his lustrous coiffure to a severe close crop. This was read as a signal that he was pathetically seeking attention, but also that he was ready to get down to serious business. Now, with Chelsea having suffered their worst start to a league season since the days of Bobby Campbell, and so tactically befuddled one could be forgiven for thinking Brendan Rodgers was still on staff, it appears to have been time for yet another symbolic shave.
Mourinho unveiled his new short style in a press conference before Wednesday’s Big Cup humiliation against Maccabi Tel Aviv, and was immediately asked about its significance. “I am fine, I promise you,” he sighed. “My haircut isn’t as radical as it has been.” And to be fair to the Chelsea boss, it was clear he needed a trim before Steven Naismith did his thing at Goodison last weekend, his usually debonair George Clooney quiff veering dangerously close to Douglas Hurd territory. So it could just be a coincidence. But just as José was “ready to go to war” when sporting his suedehead all those years ago, so he appears in equally combative mood this time round too.
At the mere mention of his much-discussed third-season syndrome – after 24 months at a club, Mourinho famously either swans off or sits around with a face on – he quite literally bristled. “At Porto I didn’t have a third season. My third season at Inter I didn’t have. My third season at Chelsea in first time I won FA Cup and [Milk] Cup and I played [Big Cup] semi. Third season in Madrid I won Super Cup, lost the Cup final, and I went to [Big Cup] semi. These are my third seasons so click Google instead of stupid questions.” None of which quite answered the concerns over his long-term commitment to the Chelsea project, but The Fiver wasn’t going to chance any follow-up questions, going through life as we do abiding by the safety-first principle of no hair, no argument.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“The refugees crisis concerns everyone, nobody can look away. We Bundesliga clubs can … no, we must use our reach, influence, and ability to help the many refugees who have already suffered so much. ‘We’re helping, #refugeeswelcome’ is a brilliant initiative and one we’re happy to support” – Hertha Berlin suit Michael Preetz on the news that all teams in Germany’s top two tiers will wear the aforementioned branded patches on their left arms this weekend.
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
Fire up the music … and watch the exclusive trailer for upcoming Nottingham Forest film, I Believe in Miracles.
And here’s Jonathan Wilson and Paolo Bandini previewing tonight’s Manchester City v Juve Big Cup showdown.
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“In response to Simon Baker’s googling of ‘gesplürgeunked’ and getting just one hit (yesterday’s Fiver letters) I did the same thing and now there are two hits, the two most recent Fiver missives. A Googlewhack is a Google search for two words which returns just one hit. If you search for one word and get two Fivers, is that a Fiver-whack?” – Brendan MacCarron.
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BITS AND BOBS
Rafa Benítez believes that $tevie Mbe has got his facts (Facts! See what we did there? Facts! Because Rafa said a funny thing about facts that time! Facts! Facts. Oh) wrong about the frostiness or otherwise of their relationship. “I have read the quotes and I believe he is wrong,” Benítez sniffed. “He has brought out a book and now I’m the Real Madrid manager, that sells.”
Liverpool’s Jordon Ibe has committed his future to England.
As soon as Arsène Wenger said Jack Wilshere had suffered a “little setback”, we knew it would come to this: the England midfielder could be out for three months, as he is set for surgery on a bout of hairline fracture-gah in his left leg.
Barcelona’s top dog Josep Maria Bartomeu and former top dog Sandro Rosell must write down all they know about the transfer of Neymar from Santos on a nice white piece of paper and hand it to a judge, as the club face allegations of tax fraud over the deal.
Everton’s very-Irish-sounding-but-actually-Zimbabwe-born defender Brendan Galloway will be rewarded for his fine performances with a new contract, according to Bobby M.
There will be no alarms, no surprises for Petr Cech when he returns to Stamford Bridge to keep goal for Arsenal this weekend. “In a way it is nice that I spent so much time there,” he parped. “That I know every corner of the stadium and the space.” So if anyone wants to know where the teabags are kept …
Franck Ribéry is all set to return for Bayern Munich after a long spell out with ankle-ouch. “It is now mid-September and I think that will be the case, that during 2015 he will be whirling again,” Bayern suit Karl-Heinz Rummenigge flamboyantly announced.
And Wolfsburg forward Nicky Bendtner reckons he’s turned a new page in his career. “Sometimes you make mistakes and I have been punished for my mistakes,” he sighed. “It is also about how the media treat these situations. Not everything that has been written has happened. But to me caught behind the steering wheel with alcohol in your blood is stupid. It is about learning from those mistakes and moving forward.”
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Jonathan Wilson + FC Astana = this.
Dinamo Zagreb + charges of embezzlement, tax evasion and bribery + David Hytner = this.
Nick Ames + a dictaphone + Slavisa Jokanovic = this.
And Ed Woodward + Photoshop = The Gallery.
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