YA WEE DANCER!
It’s taken 24 years, but The Fiver finally understands how Mark Renton felt during that Archie Gemmill scene in Trainspotting. After decades of hurt, during which it often felt as if it might never happen again, The Fiver finally made sweet, sweet love on Thursday night. But only in the metaphorical sense, by watching an intrepid young Scotland side qualify for Euro 2020, Euro 2021 or whatever the hell it’s going to be called and frankly who cares because Scotland will be playing in it!
Scotland’s historic penalty shoot-out win in Serbia, sealed by David Marshall’s save from Aleksandar Mitrovic, means they have qualified for a major tournament for the first time since 1998. It sparked an orgy of tears, Tin and most of all pure, infectious joy. (If this doesn’t make you smile, nothing will). Even DS Arnott and Superintendent Ted Hastings swapped the OCG and the ARV for the ABV and the YFB. And the number of Google searches for Yes Sir, I Can Boogie (the new anthem of the Scotland team for reasons best left hyperlinked) suggests there were plenty of parties after the game. The BBC pointed out there was a notable spike in those searches at – and you’ll like this – 6.40am.
The defining image of the match came after the final kick, when Marshall implored the referee to confirm his feet were on the line when Mitrovic took his penalty and that the save was good. If you watch the video you’ll see that this unbearably anxious moment, which seemed to last five or six seconds, actually went on for the best part of 72 years. As well as being instantly iconic, it was the best advert yet for the instant, permanent, don’t-ever-darken-this-door-again abolition of VAR. What should have been the most euphoric five seconds of Marshall’s career were lost to fear, a victory for bookkeeping over soul. As buzzkills go, it was like Francis Begbie walking in on Mark Renton in the throes of Archie Gemmill reminiscence to order him to put a bet on the 2.30 at Kempton Park.
Not that Marshall will care. He is now a legend of Scottish football, and he will be going to the Euros next summer even if he scores 247 own goals between now and the end of the season. The race is on to join him. Our Scottish cousin Shortbread McFiver is even hoping to make the squad, although it’s touch and go whether he’ll have finished dancing round his front room to Yes Sir, I Can Boogie in time for Scotland v Czech Republic on 14 June.
When Serbia equalised in the last minute, it looked as if it would be the same old tale of woe for Scotland. The night did have one thing in common with all the bittersweet failures of the past: it ended, as it always does, with a Scotsman in tears, holding his head in his hands. But this time it was the goalscorer Ryan Christie, trying to make sense of it all while giving one of the more delightful interviews of 2020. He even managed to redefine lad culture – don’t take our word for it, ask world-leading authority Liam Gallagher. Turns out that, in 2020, lads do cry. After a night like that, how could you not?
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“More than 19 years with this jersey, the most beautiful in the world. Defeats, victories, joys, humiliations … age doesn’t matter, because I’ve played many games like this and I’ve had that experience. This was a great win for our people” – after spearheading his nation’s attack for the best part of two decades, Goran Pandev, 37, is probably deserving of the North Macedonian equivalent of a keg of Purple Tin, after scoring the goal that sealed qualification for Euro 2020, their first ever major tournament.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Get your ears around the latest Football Weekly Extra podcast here.
FIVER LETTERS
“Now that we’re on the march with Stevie’s army the Euros are gonna get called off because of coronavirus, aren’t they?” – James Humphries.
“Although it is rare that The Fiver ever makes me laugh, it is even rarer that I can summon up the energy to be truly annoyed with it either. However, the publication of the letter from Tony Crawford (Thursday’s Fiver) has managed it. Only because C’est La Vie is an earworm that took me years to get out of my head and now it’s back! And no, people don’t say I look like me dad” – Katie Maddock.
“Can I praise Steve Davis’s wonderful spot in Thursday’s letters to point out that the description of aubergine in aubergine baba ganoush in unnecessary. The literary term for this phenomena is a ‘pleonasm’; the use of more words than are necessary to convey meaning. Other examples of pleonasm’s include; true facts, PIN number, tuna fish and most editions of The Fiver when trying to hit the word count by 4.32pm” – Paul Richmond.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is … Paul Richmond, who wins a copy of The A-Z of Weird & Wonderful Football Shirts: Broccoli, Beer & Bruised Bananas by Richard Johnson [postage available to UK only, sorry – Fiver Postal Ed]. We have Glove Story 2 to give away next week, so keep the letters coming in.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Sunderland have agreed to sell the club to a consortium led by minority shareholder Juan Sartori and Kyril Louis-Dreyfus, who is 22 (sub-editors, please check).
Jürgen Klopp’s mood will be darker than the clouds above Manhattan in the finale of Ghostbusters after hearing that Mo Salah has tested positive for Covid-19 on international duty with Egypt.
EFL clubs have collectively agreed to accept the Premier League’s offer of £50m in spare change for teams in League One and League Two.
Norn Iron boss Ian Baraclough says the 2-1 extra-time defeat by Slovakia in the Euro 2020 play-off is going to haunt him for a good while yet. “This will hurt for some time,” he howled. “There’s no reason we can’t go into the World Cup campaign and put ourselves in contention again.”
John Sheridan has seen himself out the door marked Do One at troubled Wigan and made himself comfortable in the managerial hot seat at Swindon, four places above the Latics in League One.
The term BAME can be insulting and should be retired from use, a survey of UK sporting organisations has found.
And Brazil have sent Neymar back to Paris after flying him 11,000 miles around the world to confirm what everyone already knew: he has groin-gah!
STILL WANT MORE?
“Top level players tend to have an identikit lithe silhouette. Jack Grealish moves about the pitch like a man taking a jog on the beach.” It might not sound like it, but Barney Ronay is full of admiration for the England playmaker.
Quiz! Quiz! Quiz! Who is the target of these Roy Keane rants?
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
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