The Bartesian Cocktail Machine is a really unique product. It’s basically a Nespresso machine or a Keurig — but with alcohol. The Bartesian uses cocktail pods — with fruit juice, bitters, flavorings, etc — and mixes with spirits (provided by you) to dispense freshly made cocktails.
You’d think this would be a cheaper way to drink, but unfortunately, you’d be wrong. The machine itself is about $370, and then you have to spend $40 for the pod storage draw, $20 for the cocktail shaker, $2.50-$4 on each pod, and then however much you want on whatever spirits you want.
This is a premium way to drink cocktails at home. I think you’d be better off buying all the individual ingredients and mixing your own — but I suppose this is the price you pay for convenience. And the Bartesian Cocktail Machine is super, super convenient. I’ll discuss everything in full in this Bartesian Cocktail Machine review.
The Bartesian Cocktail Machine review: Cheat sheet
- Who is it for? If you want cocktails on tap at home
- What does it do well? It is really, really easy to use. Like, a toddler could do it. Obviously don’t let your toddler do it, though
- What are its weaknesses? I can see it becoming more expensive than buying all the liqueurs and mix-ins independently
- Anything else to know? The pods are around $3-$4 each
The Bartesian Cocktail Machine review: Specs
Price |
|
Weight |
16.6 pounds |
Dimensions |
12.8 x 13.3 x 12.5 inches |
Functions |
1: Cocktail mixing |
Accessories included |
5 glass bottles |
The Bartesian Cocktail Machine review: Price & availability
The Bartesian Cocktail Machine is quite pricey: $369 at Amazon U.S. and £299 from Amazon U.K.. This is a considerable amount of money for a one-and-done machine, especially when the pods cost around $3-$4 apiece.
Even so, there’s not much competition in the home cocktail machine market. The Black+Decker Bev machine is $339 from Amazon U.S. and uses Bartesian drink pods, so it feels more like a Bartesian spin-off rather than its own product. You could also get the Ninja Slushi ($299) and make alcoholic slushies, but this doesn’t have the sophistication you’ll find on the Bartesian Premium Cocktail Machine.
There are multiple Bartesian models available, though, if you have a tighter budget. The Bartesian Duet Cocktail Machine is $279, but can only use two alcohols at once. I suppose if you like certain cocktails, this could be a better option, but you’d be restricted in what cocktail mixes you could buy, as each pod has a spirit barcode (more on that later).
At the other end of the Bartesian lineup is the Professional, which is $499. The differences between the regular model and the Professional are negligible: the Professional has a dial-controlled brighter LED screen and a mechanism that locks the spirit bottles into place. For home use, I’d recommend the regular, which I’m reviewing now.
The Bartesian Cocktail Machine review: Design
Although much of the Bartesian Cocktail Machine’s design is great, I’ll quickly discuss my qualms first.
You have to buy pretty much all the accessories separately. The machine itself comes with just the machine. You have to buy the cocktail shaker, drinking glasses, pods, and pod-storage all separately. This will add up to easily over $100 on top of the machine’s baseline price. You can buy all the accessories in Bartesian's "Big Game Bundle", though, which is $483 for the machine, cocktail pods, and accessories. This adds around $114 to the price of the machine, but you do get 16 cocktails with that.
I suppose if you’re investing in your home bar setup, though, then this price is a given. Purchasing bottles of liquor will also add to the spend.
Now, I’ll talk about actual aesthetics. Personally, I think it’s… how do I put this? I think it’s ugly. It’s just not for me. I’m the kind of person who would much rather have a slap-dash retro-vintage bar cart stocked with a pleasing mishmash of half-empty spirit bottles and stained cocktail shakers. That's just my vibe.
If you like the clean-monochrome vibe, this machine is probably up your street. It’s not objectively bad, at all, that’s just my preference.
The machine feels a little plasticky, but this doesn’t affect its usability. I thought the pod lever would be quite flimsy, but it’s not at all. I was ready to eat my words when I started using the machine, as, despite its plasticky appearance, it functions just fine.
Even if a product isn’t for me, I can still find pros in the design and functionality. For example, I love the glass spirit bottles that come with the machine. These are really high quality and make the machine look much more premium.
The screen is also well designed, with clear instructions and easy-to-read text. I especially enjoyed that the machine told me whether certain cocktails needed to be shaken or stirred (very 007 coded).
Overall, I think the Bartesian Cocktail Machine looks the part and would add oomph to any kitchen or dining room. With the aforementioned accessories, you could even elevate the machine to be front-and-center of a whole home bar setup.
The Bartesian Cocktail Machine review: Performance
First off, you’ll have to get Bartesian cocktail pods in order to use the machine. These are priced differently depending on the drink. You can grab a 6 pack of “Cocktail Classics” for $15 on Amazon, which works at around $2.50 per drink. Obviously you have to provide the spirits — the pods are completely alcohol free.
Taste will depend on you and your preference, and of course what spirits you are using. I tested with grocery store own-brand vodka and rum, plus Gordon’s gin. If you want the best of the best, then I’d obviously recommend getting the highest-quality spirits you can afford.
Using the machine itself is extremely straightforward. Literally all you do is fill the spirit bottles, put them in the corresponding holder in the cocktail machine, put in your pod, and press go. It’s as easy as that.
Different drinks require different preparations and spirits, but you don’t have to abide by these rules. I hate rum, so when I made a Pineapple Margarita, I just put gin in the “rum” bottle, and the Bartesian Cocktail Machine made me a gin Pineapple Margarita (how sneaky). The machine also tells you whether to prepare the drink in a glass or a cocktail shaker, but, again, you don’t have to abide by these rules.
As I mentioned in the ‘Design’ section, each cocktail pod has a barcode that refers to a spirit. For example, the Cosmopolitan uses vodka, so will always take from the vodka bottle during mixing. If you don’t want vodka, just put a different spirit in the vodka bottle (but remember that you did so!).
Once you’ve got your spirits sorted, the next step is inserting a pod of your choice and selecting strength. You can choose ‘Mocktail’, ‘Light’, ‘Regular’, or ‘Strong’. This is completely my personal preference, but I found anything over ‘Light’ almost undrinkable. While I can’t measure the shot exactly (removing and reinserting the spirit bottles will inevitably lose some liquid), I will say that the machine made: 1 x Regular Cosmopolitan, 4 x Light Cosmopolitans with a 12 ounce bottle of Vodka.
Some people mention that the machine spurts out the cocktail mix, but I didn’t experience this. It leaked a tiny amount when I punctured the pod itself, but it certainly didn’t “spurt”. It probably dribbled around a quarter ounce of liquid, max.
Once you’ve selected the strength, the machine mixes the chosen spirit and the pod together and dispenses it from the faucet. It’s literally exactly like a Nespresso or Keurig, but for booze. The Bartesian Cocktail Machine is certainly the quickest and easiest way I’ve ever made a real cocktail. Here’s a few snaps of the various drinks I made (yes, at the office… after 5).
As you can see, the drinks are all nicely mixed. I can’t fault the machine for its drink mixing ability — it’s definitely a better mixologist than I’d ever be. There were no weak or strong sips; every sip tasted the same.
Flavor is subjective, so there’s little point in me listing the drinks I liked and didn’t like. I will say, however, that I loved the Pineapple Margarita, Amaretto Sour, and Uptown Rocks the most. Some colleagues adored the Cosmos; some hated the Cosmos. All drinks were promptly drunk, though, which tells you all you need to know.
The Bartesian Cocktail Machine can make drink after drink without kicking up a fuss: I made six cocktails in a row and the machine handled it deftly. There was no heat up time or downtimes between each drink: it just handled the task admirably. If you want to impress party guests with freshly made drinks in seconds, this is certainly the machine for you.
The Bartesian Cocktail Machine review: Storage & maintenance
You get a 1 year warranty with your Bartesian machine, but this can be extended by registering the product online.
Cleaning the Bartesian Cocktail Machine is very straightforward. If you’re not going to use it for a while, just empty the spirit bottles and run a water cycle through the machine. This will pull water through its internal pipes and prevent build up. There are easy instructions in the Cocktail Machine user manual in case you need extra help.
In terms of storage, the Bartesian Cocktail Machine is certainly the kind of machine that would look great upon its own bar cart. I can imagine this machine on top of a rolling cart with stacks of fancy spirits stored underneath. Or, you can just keep it on your kitchen countertop.
It’s only 13 inches wide, which is around the same size as a bean-to-cup espresso machine or air fryer. I received the pods storage drawer to test too; this is around 16 inches wide (and $34 from Amazon), so could be stored either on display or in a pantry.
The Bartesian Cocktail Machine review: Verdict
The Bartesian Cocktail Machine does what it says on the tin: makes cocktails conveniently, quickly, and without breaking a sweat. Yes, it’s expensive, but that’s the price you pay for convenience.
If you want to impress your party guests with rapid-fire cocktails, there’s really no other choice. It’s the Bartesian, or the Bartesian Duet, or the Bartesian Professional. Personally, I would rather a hand shaker and a dream, but each to their own.
The Bartesian Cocktail Maker is an objectively functional machine, and if you’re in the market for a hands-off bottoms-up cocktail approach, this is the machine for you. Just be prepared to invest.
