I do not make a habit of congratulating ministers on their irrefutably brilliant ideas, but I must make an exception for Liam Byrne, whose 2006 memo to his staff - entitled Working with Liam Byrne and setting out in exhaustive detail the daily attentions he requires to ease his passage through the day - was leaked to the papers at the weekend.
"I like a cappuccino when I come in, an espresso at 3pm and soup at 12.30/1pm," he declares. "The room should be cleared before I arrive in the morning. I like the papers set out in the office before I get in. Never put anything to me unless you understand it and can explain it to me in 60 seconds." And on it goes for an admirably robust 11 pages.
I see now that I have been too slack with my staff. As a self-employed hack, of course, my staff is limited to myself and the occasional desultory attentions of two cats, but there is still room for improvement. I hereby issue myself the following memo:
Working with Lucy Mangan
• I like a black coffee with two sugars in the morning, accompanied by two rashers of bacon and a fried egg.
• Start buying bacon and eggs.
• And sugar. Also, make sure there is coffee.
• Do not not understand things. If there is something I do not understand, make sure I understand it in 60 seconds. If I do not understand it in 60 seconds, make sure I cry.
• I like the papers set out in the office. Go out and buy papers. Set them out in the office.
• I don't like soup. I like Jaffa Cakes on the hour, every hour and a Tunnock's caramel wafer on the half hour and, at 1, 2, 3, 4 or 5 o'clock, depending on deadlines, a depressing snack comprising whatever wizened detritus happens to be in the fridge.
I like this served on the cleanest plate from those stacked on the windowsill awaiting entry into the dishwasher.
• If I am in the middle of writing something, I may be crying. Don't be put off by this.
• When not crying, I like my train of thought to be interrupted by the mewling demands of pet animals for bowlfuls of stinking cat food, litter changes and naps on whatever keyboard I am using.
• I do not like living like this.
