NO LIGHTY? NO-LITO
The insertion of an earth-shattering event into a trundling everyday narrative is a common enough literary device. That was probably the best way to frame Michy Batshuayi’s title-winning contribution for Chelsea – an intervention as audacious as someone reading you the last paragraph of a novel you’d spent 700 pages toiling over. You might think Batshuayi, previously more impactful through his chirpy use of Twitter, would have warmed to his new role as champion shock jock but – struck down by the loose-tongue affliction that seems to afflict Belgians more than most when away on international duty – he had a very different kind of surprise in store for those who hold his fortunes dear.
“No, no, no. Everyone knows that I have to play more, that I have to score goals,” he protested when asked if he would accept next season panning out in a similar way on Chelsea’s substitute bench. There’s a World Cup coming up next year. I want to be ready for the World Cup.” Sitting it out until his winning penalty kick in the final appears not to be an option after all – so where will he be able to find the net regularly if not at Chelsea?
Perhaps it might happen to be at Sevilla, because things happen to just happen at Sevilla, without anyone having realise they’re happening. Another of last season’s yes-he-really-did-play-for-them quiz questions of the future, Manchester City’s Nolito, has been spotted in a Seville ice cream parlour and – whaddya know – just happened to catch the club’s sporting director Óscar Arias sprinkling on the hundreds and thousands.
“I was just casually shopping for clothes for my wife in Seville,” he said. “I went to get a coffee and bumped into Sevilla’s director of football casually.” All very casual, then, and certainly more casual than the disturbing revelation that his daughter’s face has “changed colour” and she “looks like she has been living in a cave” since living in rainy Manchester.
Neither can claim to rival David Lynch, but both Batshuayi and Nolito show an encouraging capability to subvert the mundane, something the Fiver wouldn’t know anything about. Besides, there is a beauty in the mundane: in running though Manchester drizzle, in spending another 90 minutes on a warm bench showing Ruben Loftus-Cheek how many retweets your last post got, in downing 3.8% Tin, in cosying up for another Wednesday night with Weird Uncle Fiver. Why would you want to do anything else?
QUOTE OF THE DAY
31 May: “Piqué you bastard, salute the champions!” – Sergio Ramos starts a new chant during Real Madrid’s La Liga title celebrations.
7 June: “This is a show that people consume a lot. Sergio and I know our relationship, it is very respectful and very cordial” – Gerard Piqué on international duty with Sergio Ramos.
FIVER LETTERS
“Other teams look for winners, but you feel Dortmund may have accepted the inevitable, what with being in the same league as Bayern Munich and all, and appointed the perfect coach in Peter Bosz, specialist in running-up, as José might say” – David Hill.
With regard to your Van Dijk, er, rambling; at least you managed to take the words right out of my mouth with your final line: please God make it stop” – Ian.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … David Hill.
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RECOMMENDED LOOKING
26 min: Ivan Bandalovski takes a swig of beer from a can thrown on to the pitch
90 min: Ivan Bandalovski scores injury-time equaliser.
BITS, BOBS AND NEWS
The FA has issued its first life bans on England fans after seeing footage of supporters doing Nazi salute and making slit-throat gestures.
Liverpool are so worried about paying too much money for Roma’s Mohamed Salah that they are instead considering spending too much Sporting Lisbon’s Gelson Martins – who scored a whopping six league goals last year – who has a buy-out clause of just €60m (£52m).
Romelu Lukaku has admitted that he wants to leave Everton. “Staying at Everton is not really an option. I am staying calm about everything,” he yelped, as 15 club suits booked the next flight to John Lennon Airport.
Just six caps shy of a century of appearances for Turkey, Arda Turan has quit international football after a set-to with a reporter on a flight back from Macedonia with the national team. “Do I regret it? No, I feel like a bird because I never forgot what was said about me,” he clarified, forgetting his elephant simile.
David Beckham. Miami. Oh, it’s on!
Jack Butland is back from ‘rock bottom’ into Gareth Southgate’s England reckoning. Nothing to do with Dwayne Johnson, but still worth a read.
THE RECAP
Sign up and receive the best of Big Website’s coverage, every Friday, it says here. Seems to be a curious lack of mentions for The Fiver …
STILL WANT MORE?
Sid Lowe has got a soft spot for Pepe. Haven’t we all?
New Arsenal signing Sead Kolasinac is like a tree, according to a former coach. Rather than being static at corners and fading in winter, Jonathan Wilson explains how the 23-year-old’s strength should help the Gunners next season.
Is it lucky for Tories when Chelsea win the league? The history of title win/election year combos is extensively trawled in this week’s Knowledge.
Majestic. Regal. Lordly. Paul Doyle doesn’t scrimp on the praise in this assessment of Virgil van Dijk, who he reckons would be a very significant signing for Liverpool.
In the recent absence of 10 talking points, Adam White and Eric Devin have identified 10 players from Ligue 1 that could move this summer for big bucks.
“Arsène Wenger is proactive. He’s dynamic, he’s in charge and he’s going to sign your players.” So begins Nick Ames’s Rumour Mill.
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