WHY DID ENGLAND KEEP UP THAT MANNEQUIN CHALLENGE SHAMBLES INTO INJURY-TIME?
Remember ‘The Past’? Things were better back then, weren’t they? Loads of good people were still alive, lunatics remained on the fringe of society rather than at the top of it and grown adult MPs didn’t waste everyone’s time by raising questions about a chocolate bar in parliament. Football was better in The Past too. Sure, you could only watch one game a month on telly, pitches were swamps that swallowed any hint of skill or athletic endeavour, if you were lucky that thing dropping on you from the upper tier was warm and unlucky if it was a brick, grounds were deathtraps and 90% of authority figures regarded anyone who went to a game as simian scum. But, on the up side, players did go out of an evening and get trousered with impunity, on-pitch violence was veritably encouraged and those who meted it out were invited outside afterwards. Yes, football was better in The Past.
The good news then, is that following England’s 2-2 draw with Spain on Tuesday, it looks like a couple of the brave poppy-wearin’ boys are looking to bring those fine traditions of The Past back. Firstly, Wayne Rooney was absent from Wembley on account of a knee-gah, and he clearly attempted to soothe his pain by politely joining a wedding held at England’s team hotel until the wee small hours. Pictures appeared to show him droopy of eye and red of lip, which the more cynical might determine was caused by the necking of much wine but, in reality of course, was nothing of the sort.
“Wayne, along with the rest of the England squad, was on a night off duty,” actually-I-think-you’ll-finded a spokesman for the player. “Rather than going out, he chose to stay at the team hotel to relax and celebrate a fine England victory against Scotland. During the course of the evening he was approached by numerous fellow guests for autographs and pictures. As he has always been, Wayne was happy to sign, pose for photos and chat with guests. It is sad that one or two of them have now sought to turn Wayne’s friendly good nature to their advantage.” Shame on them.
With the disappointing clarification that Rooney wasn’t actually harking back to The Past, it’s over to Eric Dier and Ander Herrera to keep the flame a-burnin’. The two midfielders, each perfectly willing and able to start fights in empty rooms, seemingly came to blows both physical and verbal during Tuesday’s game, and the Tottenham man was thoroughly unimpressed. “I think it’s pretty clear what he did and I can feel it on my cheek now,” Dier harrumphed. “I’ve made a pass and it was a long time afterwards [that] he’s elbowed me in the face. I know what he did, and I don’t like that kind of stuff. I don’t mind people kicking each other at times and stuff, but that’s just dirty and not needed.”
But such are the rules of The Past, all of this can be solved in two ways: either a quick ‘sorry’ from the aggressor and a masculine shake of hands, or a stramash at a later date to discover which of the two is the greater man. Which would you prefer, Eric? “I don’t need him to apologise. I’ll see him soon.” FYI: Manchester United v Tottenham Hotspur is scheduled for 11 December. So, hats off to Wayne and Eric (names comfortingly from The Past, too) for trying at least to restore life to how it once was. And if you can do something about all the other stuff too lads, that’d be much appreciated.
ANDY WOODWARD
“I want to get it out and give other people an opportunity to do the same. I want to give people strength. I survived it. I lost my career, which was a massive thing for me, but I’m still here. I came through the other side. Other people can have that strength” – the former professional footballer is finally able to talk publicly about the horrific abuse he suffered from the age of 11 by one of his coaches, in the hope that others will come forward too. Interview by Daniel Taylor.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“This is the defeat that hurts the most in my five years here, there’s no doubt about it. It is a bitter pill to swallow” – Jürgen Klinsmann is on the ropes with USA! USA!! USA!!! after a 4-0 gubbing against Costa Rica, their second defeat in two World Cup qualifying games. Soccerball president Sunil Gulati’s response: “We won’t make any decisions right after games. We’ll think about what happened today and talk with Jürgen and look at the situation.” Watch this space.
FIVER LETTERS
“If Tuesday’s England game really was an audition for Gareth Southgate, I thought he did superbly. Dynamic, attacking play to unsettle even the best in the world, demonstrably ‘making your own luck’, proving that we can do penalties, and continuing to impress despite changing personnel, before eventually wilting away dramatically at the deciding end – it turns out you really can capture England’s entire major tournament cycle in a single game” – Tom Sharp.
“At times like these, with so much going on in the world, who cares about international friendlies? I, for one, gave Tuesday’s England game a wide berth to focus on far more important matters, like where the eff have all the Hatchimals gone? Seriously, anyone know? Oh and I know there’s some on eBay, but I’m not made of money and since I got the ‘World’s Best Dad’ mug last year, the pressure is totally off this year. I’m like Leicester, struggling to find the motivation or summon the effort required to win it back to back” – Alan Belton.
“Given that there is no evidence that avoiding ‘relations’ after midnight will help prevent muscular knack, perhaps a better explanation of Pep Guardiola’s rule (yesterday’s Fiver) is that he wants to stop players raiding the fridge for a post-coital snack in the very early hours. Did Samir Nasri say if Manchester City players are forbidden from getting wet, and need to avoid bright lights as well?” – David Wall.
“May I point out to Éanna McIntyre (yesterday’s Fiver letters) that Fiver reader letters along the lines of ‘tea-timely missives like this one have nothing to do with high-quality journalism’ are near-textbook versions of your average Fiver letter. Indeed, I continue to wonder during my daily perusals of the letters section whether The Fiver hasn’t somehow been having us on, given how we still religiously continue to read it even as we criticise its poor, sub-mediocre journalism. But of course that would be giving The Fiver far too much credit” – Yash Anand.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is David Wall, who receives a copy of Football Manager 2017 from those good people at Football Manager Towers, and it’s out now! We’ve got plenty more copies to give away, so if you want one, keep the letters coming.
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BITS AND BOBS
Following their face-saving 3-0 win over Colombia, Leo Messi led his Argentina team out in front of assembled hacks and told them where to go. “We have decided not to speak any more with the press,” he tooted. “We’ve received many accusations, a lot of lack of respect and we never said anything. We’re very sorry it has to be like this but we have no option.”
Football League chief suit Shaun Harvey is having a heck of a season, having had to break off talks with the FA over their ‘whole game solution’. Basically: no winter break or fifth division.
Also making a swift impact … Tactics Tim! The Swindon Town director of football hot-footed down to the touchline during their FA Cup replay at home to Eastleigh, and promptly oversaw a 3-1 defeat. “There will have to be more hard work and the players need to quickly get on board with plenty of new ideas that Tim has brought to the club,” cheered head coach Luke Williams.
Steve Evans has washed up back in the game as manager of Mansfield Town, arriving in impeccable style. “The fans will get everything,” he roared. “They’ll get Steve Evans’ life and if you go and ask Massimo Cellino, the owner of [Nasty] Leeds, if you go and ask Tony Stewart, the owner of Rotherham, you can’t ask Bruce Winfield who is sadly no longer with us, the guy who led the revolution down at Crawley Town along with the Carter family, then they would say you get my life.”
Liverpool will play two matches in less than 46 hours over the new year period after their request for a late kick-off at Sunderland was snubbed by the Premier League. Manchester City are in the same boat, albeit without as much travelling. Two games in two days? Not always a bad thing …
And Queen’s Celtic manager Brendan Rodgers is unsure where talk linking the club with former LA Galaxy merchandise $tevie Mbe has come from. “He decided to go to America and I’m sure he has had a good spell there,” cooed Rodgers. “[$tevie] will sit down now and come back and decide what he wants to do. In terms of the speculation … players coming into the club will always remain private.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Graham Parker on the state of the USA! USA!! USA!!! soccerball team.
Ronald Koeman may have poked a hornet’s nest of simmering resentment at Everton with his discussions of other clubs and other ambitions, reckons Paul Wilson.
Football grounds named after truly ancient figures, hard-shotted heroes and players whose names match their numbers are among the treasure trove of nerdery under the microscope in this week’s Knowledge.
“Is this a library?” trills Paul MacInnes at the numbing lack of atmosphere at so many Premier League matches. Not only is it a dull development, it’s potentially damaging the brand. Poor the brand.
Adam Lallana may have only been able to play 23 minutes of England’s draw with Spain, but his bright and inventive display confirmed that he is now the grown-up in England’s attacking trio, purrs Barney Ronay.
Goals! Goals! Goals! Our pick of the best of the week, starring Memphis Depay, Philippe Coutinho and Olga García.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. AND INSTACHAT, TOO!
