Xabi Alonso

"It won't be 'cheap as chips', that's for sure," chortles Tony Hewitt Photograph: n/a/n/a

John Barry reckons the secret to Alonso's long range shots lies in the centre of Stanley Park Photograph: n/a

"Sorry it is so obvious but I had to do Xavi Alonso," says Jonah Stancombe. No Jonah, you had to do Xabi Alonso. But this will have to do Photograph: n/a

"Like El Cid, Xabi was prepared to sacrifice all for the love of his club and his manager," says John Barry Photograph: n/a

"A bird in the hand is worth how much," wonders Alex Atkinson Photograph: n/a

"Where to mate? It's Cabbie Alonso," hoots Luke Wallis Photograph: n/a

"Few people know Xabi likes to do the stand-up circuit round Liverpool’s working mens’ clubs." What? And offend the city's people with jokes that have worn as thin as Wayne Rooney's hair, Howard Jones? Photograph: n/a

"Xavi Al-asbo innit," says Paul Berry. No Paul, it is Xabi Alonso, isn't it? Photograph: n/a

The only thing Xabi has to weigh up is the amount of cash on offer, reckons Christian Buckley Photograph: n/a

Xavi? Chubby? Zavvi? Liam Sinnott ticks all the boxes except the one marked Xabi. Yes, it's X-A-B-I Alonso Photograph: n/a

Little Xabi Alonso prepares to run away from home, coos Brian Corcoran Photograph: n/a

Colin Hammond predicts that "Xabi has had his last close shave at Liverpool." We'll see Photograph: n/a