Actors love voiceover work: you don’t have to learn your lines, you can basically turn up in your pyjamas, read whatever the script says in a silly voice, then forget about it until the cheque arrives. This was especially true of doing talking animals, where your audience was unlikely to question your commitment anyway. But not any more. For one thing, advances in film mean CGI animals look as if they’re really, actually talking, rather than trying to get peanut butter off their teeth. For another, our YouTube-enhanced collective memory remembers everything. In honour of the news that Bradley Cooper is set to play a talking dog in Lasse Hallström’s new movie, A Dog’s Purpose, here is a rundown of the talking-animal roles they’d prefer to forget – if we let them.
Andy Garcia – Beverly Hills Chihuahua
As one review put it: “The film is Beverly Hills Chihuahua. The audience is the fire hydrant.” The offences stack up in this Lady and the Tramp variation, in which Drew Barrymore’s pampered pooch gets lost in lawless Mexico and is almost coerced into dog fighting (which would have been a relief). Coming to her rescue are a host of talented Hispanic actors forced to say awful things like: “We’re Mexican, not Mexican’t.” García plays a German shepherd who can’t smell. To stay in character, he clearly held his nose throughout.
Diane Keaton – Look Who’s Talking Now
With the wreckage of Godfather III still steaming, Keaton leapt into another barrel-scraping three-quel to try to erase the memory. Who elsecould have injected the necessary gravitas into the role of Daphne the posh poodle, who fights off wolves to protect her mistress Kirstie Alley as they race to rescue John Travolta from the sex-starved boss who has got him tied up in her cabin in the woods?
André Benjamin – Charlotte’s Web
In 2006, the world was still waiting for another Outkast album, but André 3000 had more important things on his mind. He was deeply immersed in preparations for his role as Elwyn the Crow, a small but crucial character in this farmyard tale. In the end, Benjamin didn’t get many lines, but just hear the conviction he puts into those cries of “Caaaaw! Caaaaw!” He clearly went full method.
Penélope Cruz – G-Force
With an Oscar practically in the bag and Hollywood at her feet, Penélope Cruz must have thought twice about playing a feisty, Spanish token female in an elite guinea-pig task force. Fortunately, this is one sexy rodent, who knows martial arts and only “uses her feminine charms when the mission requires”. See? She’s a role model. For guinea pigs.
Sinbad – Homeward Bound II: Lost in San Francisco
Two lovable dogs and a charming cat – voiced by white actors – get lost in the big bad city and run into a street gang of ghetto dogs – who, naturally, have “black” speech patterns and are voiced by African-American actors. Because dog racism is a thing, alright?
Vin Diesel – Guardians of the Galaxy
Bradley Cooper was doubtless hired by Lasse Hallström for A Dog’s Purpose on the strength of his show-stealing turn in last year’s Guardians of the Galaxy. His wise-cracking, ball-scratching Rocket Raccoon took talking creatures to the next level. Vin Diesel drew the movie’s short straw, or rather stick, playing Groot, the tree creature. His limited range is truly challenged trying to find different ways of repeating his one line: “I am Groot.” He’s never been so wooden.
Scarlett Johansson – The Jungle Book
Disney’s forthcoming live-action remake of The Jungle Book has a promising cast: Idris Elba as Shere Khan, Bill Murray as Baloo, Christopher Walken as King Louie. But what’s this? Scarlett Johansson as Kaa, the python? Her velvety voice was used to great effect as a seductive operating system in Spike Jonze’s Her; hearing it come out of a shifty, scaly snake just doesn’t seem right.
Frank Welker – Raiders of the Lost Ark
Welker really is the forgotten hero of talking-animal movies. He’s one of the most prolific voice actors in history (he’s Fred in Scooby-Doo and 14 of the Decepticons in the Transformers films, among other roles). But Welker is also a master impersonator of animals that don’t talk. His unsung and unspoken roles include the screeching pet monkey in Raiders of the Lost Ark, the penguins in Mr Popper’s Penguins and the gremlins in Gremlins. In this world, that’s pretty dignified.
