Please send your thoughts and Amtrak prayers for Paul Ryan as news emerges that his car has been devoured by a family of hungry woodchucks, a sharp-toothed member of the marmot family also known as a groundhog.
The vandalism took place while Ryan was in Washington, and had left his Chevy Suburban parked at his mother’s house in Wisconsin over the winter. A family of woodchucks made a home in the chassis and gnawed their way through the wiring. Ryan told an audience at the Economic Club of Washington on Thursday that he only discovered the pests when he took his car to a dealer to be checked. Ryan hasn’t actually driven the car for three years, as he has a security detail and is chauffeured around.
So do woodchucks normally destroy Suburbans, or were these particular rodents just angry about having their healthcare taken away? Well, the furry creatures do have a habit of criminal damage. The National Park Service website warns the public to protect their vehicles before going for a hike, noting that marmots “have been known to dine on radiator hoses and car wiring”. They’re apparently also fond of burrowing away into the engine compartment and hitching a ride with an unsuspecting driver.
In April, Ryan announced that he would not be running for re-election. In a final attempt to seem like an ordinary American, he told the audience he was going to buy a Ford truck to replace his rodent-destroyed car. One can only imagine he will use it to drive to a dealer and get himself a Porsche.
