Agricultural shows are such a feature of a British summer that, like midges in orange squash and middle-aged men in comedy aprons burning meat to a cinder, we have come to take them rather for granted. But the seeker of the mysterious, the bizarre and the plain weird might find popping round the corner to one of these shows surprisingly rewarding.
Ranging from small-village affairs to the sprawling county shows that pull in crowds of 30,000 people, agricultural shows fill the country calendar from May to October. As you pick your way past stalls selling novelty doormats, the ferret racing, the demonstration of chainsaw sculptures, pony club fancy dress parades, obscure rural societies and trade stands of companies with unsettling names such as Semen World, it is hard to imagine that you are looking at something that once did as much to save our nation as Sir Francis Drake and the Spitfire.
Propaganda tools of the agricultural revolution of the second half of the 18th century, the shows helped avert a famine that looked likely to engulf Britain following the population explosion that mysteriously followed the invention of the spinning jenny. The shows spread the gospel of the new scientific farming practices perfected by men such as Robert Bakewell, and encouraged them by rewarding the best produce and stock with substantial cash prizes.
In this context, "best" invariably meant "biggest". At the early agricultural shows the oxen were enormous, the ewes huge, and the pigs appeared to have been inflated with a foot-pump. Vegetables were gigantic: marrows like zeppelins, endless carrots, string beans you could crochet. Any passing Frenchman would have been tempted to play pétanque with the peas. Size still matters, but perfection plays its part too. Even the biggest leek will fail to impress the show judge if it has wormholes in its flags (the green bit) and a discoloured barrel (the white).
Shows began as an educational tool and until fairly recently they took a puritanical approach to entertainment. If people wanted fun they could go to a fair. Shows were serious. The Great Yorkshire Show refused even to admit showjumping until the 1950s because it considered it far too frivolous. All that has changed. At this summer's shows you might find a scarecrow competition, a dog display team leaping through flaming hoops, sheep racing, a pole-climbing championship, or Roman chariot races. Even at small regional shows there's generally everything from motorcycle display teams, to sheepdog trials via medieval jousting, falconry displays and – if you visit one in Cumbria, Durham or Northumberland – Cumberland and Westmorland wrestling, performed by big men wearing velvet trunks Superman-style over white long johns. At the core of the show, though, its true and original purpose, is still well represented.
At this year's Great Yorkshire Show, for example, 1,800 horses, 700 cattle, 1,500 sheep, 230 pigs, 300 goats and more than 1,000 hens and chickens made their way to Harrogate. The livestock come in a bewildering number of guises because Britain has more varieties of farm animal than any other nation on the planet.
Among the exhibits in the sheep pens you may come across the grey and stocky Herdwick, a Cumbrian breed which was on the verge of extinction until Beatrix Potter took to breeding them; Ryelands, whose thick fleece was once so highly prized by the wool industry it was known as "Leominster ore"; black-coated, multi-horned Manx loghtans, which were originally brought to Britain by the Vikings; and the Soay, which hails from North Ronaldsay and has a stomach that has evolved so that it can exist on a diet of seaweed.
The cattle show was the favourite haunt of the Victorian show judges, whose descriptions of the prize specimens on display rose to a pitch of almost romantic lyricism. Society show reports from the period speak of "wonderful, heavy-fleshed young matrons" and heifers with "grand bosoms". In an era when the sight of a table leg would make a vicar blush, this was heady stuff indeed. Look out here for the milk chocolate and cream-coloured flanks of the English longhorns, bred originally in County Durham, but now most famous as the anonymous extras in a thousand wild west movies.
The "industrial tent" was a later addition to the shows, a means of promoting rural crafts and manufacturing. Nowadays it houses everything from dressed walking sticks to cheese scones, via homemade wine, which tends to range from the ordinary (Riesling) to the outlandish (beetroot and pineapple, anyone?). The children's "garden-on-a-plate", or animal-made-of-vegetable competition is a highlight. The baking section, meanwhile, is ruled over by a set of principles so rigid and arcane they make Japanese etiquette look laissez-faire. Woe betide any novice who enters a savoury flan made in a fluted dish, or round bread in the loaf category.
In the age of the Wii you might think that the agricultural show would have become marginalised, the province of a few farmers and rural nostalgists. Not a bit of it – in recent years the Great Yorkshire Show has drawn more visitors than the FA Cup final.
Some of our most notable country shows
Yorkshire
The Wensleydale Agricultural Show
A traditional Dales show. Saturday 29 August, 10am-5.30pm. Adults £6, children £3, free parking. Bellerby Road, Leyburn, 01969 623750, wensleydaleshow.org.uk
North-west
Cartmel Show
Set in the heart of south Lakes, it's "the most comprehensive and picturesque show in the north", according to the website. Always the first Wednesday in August. Adults £7.50, children £1, parking free. Cartmel Racecourse, Cartmel, near Grange-over-Sands, Cumbria, 01524 733615, cartmelagriculturalsociety.org.uk
North-east
Glendale Show
The Glendale Show likes to think it brings the town and the countryside together. Bank holiday Monday 31 August. Adults £9, children £3, family £22. The Showfield, Wooler, Northumberland, 01668 283868
East Midlands
Bakewell Show
179th Bakewell Show will feature fun for the whole family from children's classes in the horticulture section to traditional livestock classes. 5-6 August. Adults £10, children £8, family £30, parking £4.
The Showground, Bakewell, Derbyshire, 01629 812736, bakewellshow.org
Heart of England
Kington Show
Traditional agricultural show with horse, cattle, sheep, dog and horticultural classes. 12 September, 9am-6pm. Adults £7, 10-16 year-olds £3, children up to 10 years free; parking is free. The Ovals Farm, Kington, Herefordshire, kingtonshow.co.uk
East Of England
Essex Country Show
What was once an Essex farming family's informal gathering of half a dozen steam engines is now the largest event of its type in the east of England, with 35,000 visitors.
12-13 September, 10am-5pm. Adults £10, children (3-12) £5, family £25. Barleylands, Billericay, Essex, 01268 290228, essexcountryshow.co.uk
South-west
North Devon Show
Premier agricultural spectacle in the region. August 5, 8am-6pm. Adults £12, children 5-15 £4, family £30. Belle Vue Aerodrome, Huntshaw Cross, Barnstaple, 0845 230 5177 or 01749 813 899, northdevonshow.com
• Harry Pearson is the author of Racing Pigs and Giant Marrows
