You ever get stuck in an escape room with someone who refuses to solve a single puzzle, yells at you when you try, and insists on spending all the team’s coins on snacks? Now imagine that’s your actual relationship, and the door doesn’t open unless you’re the one paying rent, cooking dinner, and driving them everywhere. It’s not that much fun anymore.
That’s the exact hell today’s Original Poster (OP) found herself in for four years. However, she now has a plan to break free, but she keeps wondering how to go about it, especially since she still feels responsible for her partner.
More info: Reddit
It must be deeply frustrating when money’s tight and your partner’s spending habits could fund a small festival
Image credits: ufabizphoto / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The author moved out of state with her boyfriend four years ago for her job, while he remained unemployed and left her to cover all of their expenses
Image credits: Educational_Host2599
Image credits: wirestock_creators / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The boyfriend was frequently violent and aggressive, especially when she expressed her desire to end the relationship
Image credits: Educational_Host2599
Image credits: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
After a particularly hostile confrontation in public, she decided to leave and began planning a safe exit with the help of a domestic violence organization
Image credits: Educational_Host2599
Now, she plans to move out quietly while he is out of town, keeping her plans secret to avoid further conflict or retaliation—although she still feels responsible for him
Four years ago, the OP storyteller and her boyfriend moved to a new state for a job opportunity. The boyfriend hadn’t found a job since then and soon became fully financially dependent on her, though he spent hundreds of dollars on illegal substances.
It wasn’t just money. When the boyfriend was in a bad mood, things spiraled into loud outbursts like slamming things, yelling, and name-calling. He also berated her cooking all the time, which would only end with her ordering food for them to eat. After months of such treatment, the OP reached a breaking point and told her boyfriend that she didn’t want to be with him anymore.
He began yelling and slamming things again, and when she decided to work outside of their apartment, he found her and called her names. Recognizing the potential danger, the OP began to plan her exit strategy, especially since the boyfriend was going to be out of town for a week. She also sought help from a domestic violence organization to safely break the lease.
Her biggest challenge was how to communicate, or whether to communicate at all, about the need for her boyfriend to support himself after she’s gone. Although her boyfriend had no idea what she was planning, she was worried about him going to her mom’s house, since he knew the address, but she kept up with small gestures to keep the peace and keep him from suspecting.
To understand why someone might continue feeling responsible for a partner who mistreats them, Bored Panda consulted psychotherapist Mvumbi Kumbu, who explained that this sense of responsibility often arises from early experiences where love was tied to caretaking or “earning” affection.
“Some people believe they can fix or heal their partner, especially when moments of kindness are mixed with abuse, creating confusion and false hope,” Kumbu said. He added that fear of abandonment, guilt, and feeling unworthy of better love often keep people trapped in damaging relationships.
Image credits: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
We also asked how someone can handle feelings of guilt or fear after leaving a partner who is emotionally dependent on them, and Kumbu emphasized that these emotions often stem from an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and the mistaken belief that setting boundaries is selfish.
“Prioritizing your emotional well-being isn’t selfish, it’s essential,” he explained, adding that “emotional dependence is not love, and managing someone else’s feelings constantly can become a trap.” Therapy, he said, helps survivors develop self-compassion and realize that leaving isn’t betrayal but an act of self-care.
Finally, we explored the internal struggles people face when preparing to leave a toxic relationship. Kumbu described this phase as a “painful emotional tug-of-war,” where conflicting feelings of love, hope, fear, and self-doubt might coexist and become overwhelming. He noted that fear of the unknown can make the toxicity feel strangely familiar and safe.
“These struggles aren’t signs of weakness,” he assured, “but evidence of how deeply relationships shape identity and security.” He also explained that feelings of self-doubt, guilt, and shame are common, especially when dealing with emotional manipulation or dependency.
Netizens were very clear about not warning him before leaving. They emphasized that the responsibility was not on the OP to manage his reaction or safety, especially given his violent behavior. They repeatedly stressed prioritizing her personal safety above all, with instructions to block contact and avoid any communication after leaving.
What do you think about this situation? What advice would you give to someone planning to leave an emotionally abusive partner but feeling unsure about how to do it safely? We would love to know your thoughts!
Netizens warned the author that she must not let her boyfriend know that she plans to leave him or she’ll never get to actually leave him
