When two people are starting to date, they might polish themselves a little to make a good impression. Maybe you downplay a flaw or maybe you exaggerate something positive. And regardless of what you think about it, I assume we can agree that up to a certain point this can be dismissed as harmless behavior. However, Reddit user Lejr321 believes her boyfriend has crossed that line.
In a post on the subreddit r/Relationships, the woman said she learned that instead of working from home like he claimed, he’s actually unemployed, in debt, and living off of his family without ever telling her. She said these lies have ruined her ability to trust him and is even wondering if it’s possible for their relationship to continue.
Opening up about your mental health struggles can be really difficult, especially to people whom you’re just meeting
Image credits: Getty Images / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
But this woman was shocked to learn her boyfriend invented a new life to keep it a secret
Image credits: Giulia Squillace / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Anna Stampfli / Envato (not the actual photo)
Image credits: lejr321
The woman later added a bit more context
For an apology to be effective, it must be genuine
If the woman didn’t think her boyfriend’s apology was genuine, then it might be because, well, it wasn’t.
According to the late psychiatrist Dr. Aaron Lazare, an apology expert and former chancellor and dean of the University of Massachusetts Medical School, a good apology has four elements:
- Acknowledgment of the offense. The person should take responsibility for the offense, whether it was a physical or psychological harm, and confirm that their behavior was not acceptable. They should avoid using vague or evasive language, or wording an apology in a way that minimizes the offense or questions whether the victim was really hurt.
- Explanation of what happened. The challenge here is for the person to explain how the offense occurred without excusing it. In fact, sometimes the best strategy is to say there is no excuse.
- Expression of remorse. If the person regrets the error or feels ashamed or humiliated, they should say so: this is all part of expressing sincere remorse.
- Offer to make amends. For example, if the person has damaged someone’s property, they should have it repaired or replace it. When the offense has hurt someone’s feelings, they should acknowledge the pain and promise to try to be more sensitive in the future.
Those who read what happened were skeptical about whether the couple could make it
Not long after her story went viral, the woman released an update on her relationship
Image credits: Vitaly Gariev / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Getty Images / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: lejr321
Forgiveness can mean different things to different people
Being hurt by someone, especially a person you love and trust, can disappoint, anger, and even confuse us. But if we allow negative feelings to crowd out the positive ones, we’ll be swallowed up by bitterness.
According to experts, those who struggle with finding forgiveness might:
- Bring all of that baggage into new relationships and experiences.
- Become so wrapped up in the wrong that they can’t enjoy the present.
- Become irritable, anxious, or depressed themselves.
- Feel at odds with their spiritual beliefs.
- Lose valuable and enriching connections with others.
Some people are naturally more forgiving than others. A poll by YouGov conducted in June 2023 found that among the 4,228 surveyed U.S. adults, only 11% said it would be “very easy” to fully forgive someone who seriously wronged them; 23% said “somewhat easy”; 35% said “somewhat difficult,” and 22% said “very difficult” (8% were “not sure). And maybe our Redditor belongs to the first two categories. But even if you don’t, almost anyone can learn to be more forgiving.
Try asking yourself about the circumstances that may have led the other person to behave in such a way. Perhaps you would have reacted similarly if you faced the same situation. You can also reflect on times when others have forgiven you.
What’s important to understand is that forgiveness is a process. Even small hurts may need to be revisited and forgiven again and again. The fact that the woman behind the post acknowledges this already suggests the couple might be on the right track.
However, people were still unsure of what to make of it in this particular case
