A 21-year-old woman, aiming to show 'suicide doesn't have a look', has revealed how she considered taking her own life just five days before a photo of herself looking 'happy' at a restaurant was taken.
Eluned Anderson, known as Ellie, was celebrating her two-year anniversary with her boyfriend.
The Liverpool University student had booked a fancy restaurant for dinner in Birmingham.
Taking a photo to mark the occasion, Ellie looked happy, radiant and care-free.
Yet only five days earlier, Ellie had locked herself in her room at her university halls and considered ending her life for a second time.
She told WalesOnline: "I was going through a really difficult period.
"Things took a turn for the worse in October last year and I'd had a lot of abuse online. I'd had messages on Twitter telling me to kill myself.
"It was incredibly rash and it took all my might to tell myself that this was wrong and I shouldn't go through with my plan. Really what stopped me was the thought of my loved ones.
"All these things came to me and I was so ashamed and I hid in bed. I was in my own head for a few days."
Ellie also turned to self-harm.
And yet, by the end of the week, on November 3, Ellie had put a mask on and headed out to dinner as if nothing was wrong.
She said: "We were taught that we couldn't tell anyone about what was happening at home when we were young.
"I had to learn to put on a mask because what's the alternative? I had to put on a smile, put on a dress and put on some make-up. Because the alternative is depression and to not be here.
"It's always easier to give up or stay in bed and there are days when I do hideaway, but the majority of the time I'm facing the world with a smile."
Ellie, a third-year student, was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder in her first year at university and is on medication and has weekly counselling sessions to help her manage her mental health.
She said she had a traumatic childhood. She is close to her two sisters and her father, who she says brought her up, but estranged from her mum.
Her feelings in October 2020 were the second time she had thought about ending her life. The first was when she was just 13 years old.
She said her attempt as a child didn't work and she didn't tell anyone about what she had done and carried on as normal.
But after watching Meghan Markle and Prince Harry's interview, Ellie is wanting to challenge those who question Meghan's mental health claims, especially the person who tweeted: "Someone with suicidal thoughts doesn't get ready [wear] makeup sparkly dress [sic] to attend the Royal Albert Hall."
So, she bravely posted the picture of herself from her two-year anniversary on Twitter and captioned it: "I attempted suicide five days before this photo was taken. Suicide doesn't have a look".
Ellie said: "People have come out publicly and said Meghan's lying and making it up for attention, that she couldn't be suicidal because she was smiling at the Royal Albert Hall.
"It has to be understood and stopped. People have this image of what mental health looks like.
"For me, I'm very prepared to be open and honest about my trauma and experiences but I understand for a lot of people that's not an option.
"I hope I can show them that it's okay and whatever battle they are facing, others are too."
Ellie, who started an internship as a parliamentary assistant earlier this year, said: "My mental health is juxtaposed with my personality.
"On the outside, I'm a confident and opinionated woman and yet there are days where I can't face the world. You never know what's going on behind the mask or behind closed doors."
While we've come a long way in talking about mental health issues, they are still stigmatised and considered taboo, Ellie said.
She admitted: "I was terrified of getting a diagnosis because of the stigma around it.
"I was terrified for years about what I was facing in my mind every day. Getting the diagnosis in 2019 was a relief and it's taken a while to come to the realisation that getting help isn't anything anyone should be afraid of."
By pointing out that depression and mental illness, suicidal thoughts, crippling anxiety, isolation and loneliness don’t care about income, race, class, gender or social status. Ellie is hoping her story can help others.
She added: "If I can put my little story forward in the world and help just one person, then I'll be happy."
