Alyx, I tried one of the orange bread-things you left in the office kitchen. What was that?
That, Julia, was the apotheosis of this year’s Easter rush of frankenfoods, a “Doritos-inspired” cheesy jalapeño hot cross bun. The trend of turning everything into a hot cross bun and turning hot cross buns into everything has been going for a while now, and this year the world’s biggest food companies got on board like brands at a pride parade in 2015.
A savoury take is the most obvious of the not-crosses, which is why I bought it, but I also walked past a shelf filled with discounted Iced Vovo hot cross buns, alongside a bunch of other Arnott’s biscuits. If I’d gone to Woolworths instead of Coles, I could have picked up various CadburyxHXB collabs; and Aldi is doing a carrot cake number. Australia isn’t alone in our novelty bun affliction, by the way.
Now, a question for you: what did you think of it?
I am passionately opposed to Doritos in chip-form, but strangely I really enjoyed this spicy hot cross bun iteration. Is there something wrong with me?
I’m not saying you’ve got a broken palate, but you are close to the sole dissenter here – only one other person thought they weren’t bad. Our colleagues called the buns “so wrong, with or without butter” and “a bad version of a Bakers Delight cheesy roll with a weird smell too”. Many remarked on the artificial, “Pizza Shapes” odour.
One likened it to the unholy progeny of a sexual union between a Dorito and a marshmallow, while another said: “It tastes exactly like I imagined – an inappropriate blend of two completely different things.” Those with higher expectations had them thwarted: “I was hoping for a cheesy scone or jalapeño cornbread, but winced just at the smell of it.”
Personally I found them claggy, unevenly spicy, synthetically sweet and skimpy on the dried fruit (jalapeño is, technically, a fruit). After I put one in the office panini maker, it compressed into a crispy puck with a gooey centre and some of the parmesan notes came out, so it ate a little like a meagre, maltodextrin-coated toasty. A perfectly acceptable 3pm office lunch. I really feel they missed a trick by not making the cross out of cheese though.
Great idea – Coles, take note! But now I’m questioning everything – not just my own sense of taste, but the very essence of a hot cross bun. If something savoury and sans-raisins fits within the hot cross bun umbrella, where does it end?
Starting an authenticity bunfight is kind of the point when it comes to culinary clickbait. If you can get people to try it once, their job is done. That means it never ends, only escalates.
You could respond by opting out and becoming a hot cross bun purist who insists only sultanas, candied orange and cinnamon qualify – or you could embrace hot cross anarchy. Next year, make a cross out of avocado mash on a tray of nachos and call it a guac cross bun.
