COOKIE MONSTER
They really could do it, you know.
In a year when only bad things have happened, who would have thought that Chris Coleman would be the man holding Great Britain’s (or what remains of it) hopes in his arms? A man who, even if Wales lose against Portugal, is already treated as such a serious man of football that he has seemingly shed the nickname “Cookie”: a man who leads his country to the semi-finals of a major international tournament cannot be defined by banter.
Wales, Euro 2016 semi-finalists, could be Euro 2016 finalists by the time you’re all tucked up tonight. Let’s all allow that to sink in for a moment, and consider what a thing it is. Wales, previously a byword for international footballing failure and calamity, who have stuffed up more tournament chances than tonight’s opponent Him in the last half a century. Wales, who had probably given up all hope of ever making it before this lot came along. Wales, who in the words of comedian Elis James, last qualified for a major tournament 58 years ago, “prior to the invention of the duvet.”
But let’s not get too giddy just yet, even if noted sporting luminaries such as Catherine Zeta-Jones and David Hasselhoff are behind Gareth and the boys. They will of course have to face Him, who during this tournament has appeared to be a walking example of Mr Roy’s infamous and profoundly prescient proclamation that “someone will pay” eventually, despite largely poor performances. He has been peripheral to Portugal’s successes in the knockout phase, seemingly contributing little more than bullying João Moutinho into taking a penalty against Poland, but there is a lingering sense that He is due a match-winning performance. And incidentally, should He score and not celebrate by whipping off his shirt to reveal an orange boiler suit with arrows on it, in reference to the news that his pal Leo has been dispatched to the chokey (but not really), then someone should take His Ballons d’Or away.
“He’s one of the greatest players in the world, but they have other weapons in their team,” affable assassin and Wales captain Ashley Williams said when asked about Him. “We are not obsessing over Him. We’ll try and nullify them as a team, as we have teams over the tournament so far.” When put together with Coleman’s assertion that this Wales team have become very “streetwise”, and the fact that there will be no suspension for any previously-booked player who gets a flash of yellow tonight … well, draw your own conclusions about how they will be dealing with Him.
Skullduggery or no, this is a Wales team more than good enough to beat a Portugal side who, let us not forget, haven’t won a game in 90 minutes so far this tournament. And even the hoary old Fiver, who has been so consumed by the ennui of awfulness that the world has become that we haven’t felt emotion all year, felt a stirring in our stomachs, hearts and – dare we say it – loins when listening to Cooki … sorry, Coleman’s rallying cry. “We’ll go into this game as the underdogs: Portugal have been in seven semi-finals in tournaments, and this is our first. But that’s not a problem. It’s about Wales, about the players walking on to the pitch knowing they’re safe in each other’s hands. They trust each other, as so they should. You’re not guaranteed a happy result, but you can guarantee knowing you offered up everything, and that’s all we can ask for.” Lovely.
If they do it, they’ll be dancing in the streets of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch tonight. And they really could do it, you know.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
Join Rob Smyth from 8pm BST for hot MBM coverage of Portugal 1-1 Wales (aet; 4-5 on pens).
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“These two guys, Kokorin and Mamaev, came for dinner with their wives. After dinner they stayed in the club to smoke shisha. There was a private party organised by some Russians. They recognised Kokorin and Mamaev and as a sign of respect they started sending them bottles of champagne and they asked our DJ to play the Russian national anthem. Then other Russian clients also wanted to show their respect and sent the two players other bottles, so Kokorin and Mamaev had the table full of bottles. The funny thing is that the guys are not even drinking alcohol” – Monte Carlo club owner Flavio Briatore – yes that one – denies claims that Russia forward Alexander Kokorin and midfielder Pavel Mamaev spent €250,000 on champagne in his establishment after the side’s Euro 2016 exit.
FIVER LETTERS
“Would it be pedantic of me to respond to Martyn Davies’s 5 July statement that ‘the Three Lions would possibly benefit more from the Status Quo’ by mentioning that both parties in question have been churning out the same repetitive, predictable drivel for what seems like the last 40 years or so. When one considers the heyday of “the Quo”, starting in the mid-60s and then dwindling in the mid to late-70s, Mr Davies’s analogy holds up well, though I’m not sure of a mild resurgence in the mid-90s – perhaps some of your many Quo-fan readers can chime in here?” – Aaron Chawla.
“May I be the first of 1,058 pedants to point out to Martyn Davies that if the universe does contract, not only will time run backwards but so will our memories, thereby making our experience of England performances the same as during the expansion phase only we will be fully aware of the impending dissapointment. I’ve just realised that this may indeed be happening now” – Tom Curtin.
“Re. Great extra times (Monday’s Fiver): struggle no more Dougie McCrae; Real Madrid 1-2 Aberdeen in 1983 and Aberdeen 4-1 Pope’s Oldc’o Rangers 1 in 1982” – John Brechin.
“Which club is going to shamelessly riff on that clapping business (which Iceland shamelessly riffed on from elsewhere) next season? Palace. It’s going to be Palace, isn’t it?” – David Haikney.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Tom Curtin.
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BITS AND BOBS
Lionel Messi has been handed a 21-month sentence for tax-knack but is unlikely to serve time behind bars.
The man who irons the letters onto the back of Manchester United’s shirts has spent most of this afternoon plastering M-K-H-I-T-A-R-Y-A-N on the back of one so that said player could it up for the cameras after joining the club.
Middlesbrough are sufficiently confident of signing Víctor Valdés that the club doctor is already reaching out a hand in order to wait for the stopper to cough for him.
Pep Guardiola has been showing why he earns the big bucks as Manchester City weigh up a £51m splurge on a defender who can actually defend – Leonardo Bonucci is the target in question.
But it would appear not everything is running smoothly in the Manchester City mind box.
Tottenham’s chairman Daniel Levy has been given a hearty dose of his own medicine by AZ Alkmaar’s sporting director Max Huiberts over Spurs’s attempts to sign Vincent Janssen. “If you want to buy something, you have to go to the store,” he honked. “The store does not belong to you.”
Marcelo Bielsa will be bringing his famous angry swarm of bees tactics to Lazio next season.
Lord Ferg has yanked the pin out and launched a Big Sam-sized grenade towards FA towers. “Sam’s the best English candidate because he’s in the Premier League,” he Ferged.
Sampdoria’s chief suit, Massimo Ferrero, has set his sights on time travel’s Mario Balotelli. “Balotelli is Balotelli’s own worst enemy. He’s a great player who’s stuck back in the 1960s,” he crooned.
It goes from bad to worse for Argentina with Gerardo Martino blaming ‘serious problems’ for his abrupt resignation as manager of the national team.
And Swansea City have swooped for the 23-year-old Dutch defender Mike van der Hoorn while West Brom have splashed £6m on Matty Phillips. “This is a great chance for him to show everyone he belongs in the top flight of English football,” roared Tony Pulis.
STILL WANT MORE?
José Mourinho reckons he has brought through 49 young players as a manager. Is José right? Regardless, he’s the Right One for Manchester United, reckons Daniel Taylor.
Hal Robson-Kanu is so confident he’s using Cruyff as a verb, writes David Hytner.
Portugal v Wales is so much more than Him v Gaz, says Barney Ronay.
Greece … lightning … striking twice … Giorgos Karagounis explains why Wales can emulate the class of 2004.
Blair, Britpop and Cool Britania – pull back the covers and get into Bed with Maradona to discuss the cultural resonance of Euro 96.
When it comes to international football, Chris Coleman is to the manner born … Nick Miller has the reasons why.
And ever wondered which journeyman has had the most journeys in one division? Wonder no more as The Knowledge has the answer.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. AND INSTACHAT TOO!
