REDS ALERT
Liverpool fans love nothing more than “a special Anfield night”, which is just as well because they’re going to need one if they’re to make the knockout stages of Big Cup. Consecutive defeats on special (but not for them) Marakana and Parc des Princes nights mean their hopes of remaining in the competition after Christmas aren’t so much hanging by a thread, but more a stout rope. The last Big Cup chopper is heading out of Saigon and Jürgen Klopp’s men are currently clawing for a grip on one of its struts.
While their destiny remains in their own hands, inexplicably awful away form in Europe has left them with plenty of work to do. They need to beat Napoli 1-0, or by two clear goals if their rivals score, or by the answer to that really difficult equation Matt Damon solved on the blackboard in Good Will Hunting while working as a lowly janitor, depending on how PSG fare against Red Star Belgrade. “Two times in a row we won the fair play award in England and tonight we look like butchers after the yellow cards we had,” raged Klopp in his post-match interview, sporting a natty straw boater and blood-stained apron combo, while handing out neatly wrapped packets of sausages and telling one favoured journalist he’d thrown in a couple of pig’s ears for the dog. “It was clever of PSG, especially Neymar, but a lot of other players went down like it was really something serious and we were not that calm any more.”
Following a 2-1 defeat, Klopp was referring to the levels of sh1thousery PSG had plumbed as they strove to break up play and prevent Liverpool finding their second half groove. While you could be forgiven for thinking the French champions were the first team in history to employ such a tactic, the sight of them finally embracing it suggests they might now be streetwise enough to actually win Big Cup. Liverpool’s first-half groove was equally conspicuous by its absence and in a match where they mustered just one shot on target – a converted penalty – they could have no serious complaints about coming out second best. But complain they did, at great length, with Klopp sportingly attempting to cover up his team’s shortcomings on the night with a long soliloquy about antics of PSG’s players. “In the end, it’s hectic and everyone is going down,” he concluded, reminding The Fiver of a smutty rhythm flick we once found under the floorboards of a certain Weird Uncle’s shed.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“People asked me at half-time what had happened and suggested I’d been bitten, but to clear it all up, that didn’t happen. He might have caught a bit of my shirt” – Joe Allen denies that pictures appearing to show Bradley Johnson going full Luis Suárez during Stoke’s 2-1 win over Derby are what they seem.
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FIVER LETTERS
“I have a lot of time and respect for Big Jürgen, he’s a big character with a big heart, and football would be less colourful without him. However, perhaps in future he should consider whether throwing his big opinions around on various aspects of the game before he has been on the receiving end of such aspects is particularly wise” – Kevin McKee.
“On the topic of Ballybrack FC (yesterday’s Fiver), we used a similar tactic to try and get a match called off when half our Sunday morning team were flying to Lisbon to watch O’Ireland in a World Cup qualifier. We were more concerned about avoiding a fine than losing points. We told the league one of our team’s relatives had died in Ireland and we couldn’t field a team as most of our players would be travelling for the funeral. The league accepted it in good grace. While enjoying the delights of Lisbon we bumped into the team we were meant to be playing. Turns out they had used the exact same excuse but got the points because we contacted the league first. There’s a moral there, I think” – Gary Arnold.
“Re: yesterday’s Fiver. There are ‘great American sitcoms’?” – Andy Fawcett.
“Re: the ‘Hand of Cod’ travesty in Grimsby v Tranmere (yesterday’s Quote of the Day). I understand Wes Thomas had been planning to head the ball, but decided against it on account of a splitting haddock” – Dan Croft.
“Apropos to the recent correspondence about Belgian club REM (Fiver letters passim), a long-standing club in Irish junior football’s Meath and District League are called OMP United, the ‘OMP’ standing for Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Park” – Gerry Rickard.
“The most interesting recent stories in The Fiver have involved the cancellation of a game due to a falsified death and the multiple shenanigans related to the non-playing of the Copa Libertadores final second leg. Clearly Stop Football™ is much more interesting than the actual football. Well done Fiver!” – Scott Henderson.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Gary Arnold.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Mauricio Pochettino is fizzy with excitement after Spurs’ 1-0 win over Inter kept their Big Cup hopes alive. “We have big respect for Barcelona but one thing we have is belief and faith that we can win,” he roared.
Players’ union Fifpro has called for an urgent inquiry after reports in Cyprus claimed at least four clubs have been giving injections of unidentified substances to players, three of whom have been forced to retire with serious heart problems.
Manchester City are pondering expanding the capacity of the Etihad Stadium to 63,000, presumably in order to amplify that Big Cup vibe.
Four Tammy Abraham goals and he still didn’t end on the winning side against Forest.
And the fun and games in South America derby may relocate to the Middle East. “Qatar is a possibility,” whispered a Reuters source, while pulling its hat lower, donning fake ‘tache and glasses, then slinking off down an alley.
STILL WANT MORE?
Why have all the good goalkeepers gone pants? Martin Laurence investigates.
Who has Barney Ronay accused of tumbling to the turf like a tiny little Victorian fairy sprite lashed with a blow from the under-gardener’s rake? Find out here.
Eni Aluko on Manchester United’s youngsters.
You knead to read why Paul MacInnes compares Spurs to pastry or you’ll be naan the wiser.
What’s got Memphis Depay’s rap, Marcelo Bielsa’s cuddles, rocks tumbling down mountains and miraculous table tennis shots in it? Classic YouTube!
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
