I have been masturbating in the prone position ever since I was three years old. I am now in my 30s. For various reasons, both psychological and circumstantial, I have not had sex until now. I am now worried whether I will be able to have normal sex at all. I don’t seem to be able to get to orgasm unless I masturbate in my usual way – that is, lying face down and rubbing into the mattress.
You are not alone. Many people develop masturbation styles that are not conducive to making an easy switch to sex with a partner. In fact, your masturbation style is not terribly far off a traditional male “missionary” position, but don’t expect it to be easy – it never is for anyone.
Gaining sexual confidence is a slow process of experimentation. This will begin when you find a partner you like, and are inspired to mutually discover the next sexual step. In the meantime, try changing your masturbation position in stages: a change of angle to a side position, then venture towards a face-up position. Allow time to achieve these changes and keep your accompanying fantasies strong. Anxiety and avoidance will only hinder this process, so try to stop imagining negative outcomes. Instead, focus on the idea – perhaps even the reality – of having fun with another human being to whom you are attracted, and allow yourself to see where that leads. Be brave. Take a few risks.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments).
