Apocalyptic rumblings from Simon Cowell's karaokosseum, where the serfs are getting restless.
At present, Simon is conducting auditions for Britain's Got Talent, which take place, X Factor-style, in front of an arena audience. But as you may know, judge Amanda Holden is currently absent from the panel after enduring what sounds like a horribly traumatic birth a fortnight ago, which saw her placed on the critical list for three days. Amanda's temporary replacement is erstwhile Baywatch star Carmen Electra – and it is this unwelcome substitution that seems to have incensed a crowd hopped up on misdirected anger.
In the circumstances, you'd have hoped they might try to keep a lid on it, but according to reports, Carmen's first day in the chair this week saw her faced with a barrage of boos. On day two, things turned even uglier. "Their chants urging bosses to bring back new mum Amanda Holden grew so lairy," reports the Sun, "that warmup man Ian Royce was forced to make an onstage appeal for calm."
Searching the archives, I see I predicted last year that by 2018 the nation would be glued to the ultimate iteration of Cowell's TV philosophy: a format in which Simon merely informs a contestant whether or not they may live. Let us now commute the date of that prediction to 2014, and congratulate the Karaoke Sauron on the rapid mutation of his Orc army.
