Someone I know just ended a very unhappy relationship with a man she had been with for more than 20 years. Now that she has managed to extricate herself, she is wondering why on earth she didn’t get out sooner. It’s a question many of us will have asked ourselves at some stage. And the reasons for sticking with someone are often predictable: fear of financial fallout, how it may affect the kids, losing friendships and so on.
There may also be unconscious reasons behind why we stay, including how secure we feel in ourselves. The more secure we feel, the less likely we are to put up with a bad situation, or if we are insecure, we may feel that we don’t deserve anything better.
According to Freud, and other theorists since, we are unconsciously drawn to the familiar. This could mean we seek out a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable, unreliable or even abusive, which is connected to our early experiences of parental figures or carers. The suggestion is that we have internalised a model of a relationship that involves us being treated badly. We then continue to make poor choices because unconsciously we hope that this time things may be different – which is, unfortunately, rarely the case.
Freud aside, for many of us, any sort of change can feel scary. Isn’t it better to stay with the devil we know than risk unpredictability and anxiety, even though a part of us knows we are settling for less than we deserve?
“Even if we are in a relationship where we feel criticised or even frightened, we can find ourselves resisting change and clinging to status quo behaviours,” says counsellor and therapist Paula Saunders. “The mere mention of the word ‘change’ may cause some to feel uneasy. We often find ourselves resisting change because of the perceived risk or fear associated with it.”
So while rationally we know we should do something to change our situation, our behaviour patterns resist this and we tend to seek comfort in what we know. These choices also depend on our personality type. If we are resilient and less anxious about change, we are more likely to be driven to improve our situation. Alternatively, if we place a high value on stability, predictability and routine then this too may affect our choices.
If past experiences or personality traits can partly explain why we end up staying too long in a bad relationship, what about making changes in other areas of life, such as switching our energy supplier or bank account? A recent survey carried out by the Guardian and TSB has shown that we are even less likely to overhaul our financial relationships than our personal ones: for example, about 40% of Brits have never broken up with anyone while 56% have never changed their current account.
Just as romantic relationships can be influenced by previous experiences, our current attitude towards money may partly be rooted in our past. It’s also partly about how we prefer to invest our time and energy. Some of us may prioritise spending time online, checking out the best deals and changing habits to help save money. Others may balk at this, preferring to stick to the familiar, despite knowing that it could cost them.
It would be interesting to know what Freud would have to say about this. He was born into a poor family and was said to have spent much of his time worrying about his financial situation. Given his own perspective, perhaps he would have suggested that we would do well to pay attention to our financial wellbeing as well as our emotional needs.
Source: The survey was conducted by Ipsos Mori on behalf of the Guardian and TSB. A sample of 1,932 British adults aged 18+ took part in the survey, across England, Scotland and Wales. Fieldwork was conducted using a face-to-face CAPI method, and took place between the 8 and 20 of December 2017. Data has been weighted to known population figures for Great Britain.
