One of the classic reasons relationships break down is because we end up hating the very qualities in our partners that led to us falling in love with them in the first place.
Behind the animal attraction, we are subconsciously drawn to our wives, husbands and lovers because we believe they will make up for what is lacking in ourselves and in some way complete us. But we can move from ecstasy to agony once we realise that we cannot steal their positive qualities for ourselves. Rather the reverse. Their presence starts to highlight our own perceived failures.
Instead of seeing this as an opportunity to work on ourselves, we tend to press the big, red self-destruct button. We belittle what we most love about the other person and even go to the lengths of destroying the relationship to keep away from our inner pain.
I am beginning to wonder whether this powerful hidden dynamic is also one of the key reasons behind our destructive relationship with planet Earth. The paradox I am trying to understand is how we can collectively say how much we love and appreciate nature and at the same time progressively destroy it on a global and industrial scale.
It’s worth reminding ourselves of the consequences of our behaviour: the WWF recently calculated that we’ve killed roughly half of the world’s non-human vertebrate animal population since 1970 and the IUCN environmental network highlighted that 22,413 out of its 76,199 assessed species are threatened with extinction.
That we are actively seeking to harm nature – the very foundation of our survival – is a difficult concept to take on board as it appears to defy logic. But the truth is that our behaviours often don’t make logical sense.
I first came across the idea of our hidden anger at Mother Earth from the Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh, who wrote: “Some of us resent you [the Earth] for giving birth to them, causing them to endure suffering, because they are not yet able to understand and appreciate you.”
If we start to delve deeper into this, we come to realise that we can create a sustainable society on a sustainable planet only if we individually and collectively deal with our own suffering, rather than projecting it out. This is the heart of both Buddhist teaching and modern psychology.
As the noted psychologist Alice Miller wrote: “Experiencing the pain of my life gave me back my vitality. First pain, then vitality. The price of repressing feelings is depression.” To avoid these feelings of depression (which leads to our disenchantment with the beauty, simplicity and non-discrimination of the natural world) we need to get back into a healthy relationship with the planet, rather than going in the other direction and hiding ourselves within an increasingly distant virtual world.
Given how difficult it is to change ourselves, nature is perversely giving us a helping hand. Thanks to the increasing rate of natural disasters, even those living in mega-cities in the developed world are now forced to recognise that nature is a part of their lives, whether they like it or not.
That offers hope on two fronts. Despite all our technological and intellectual brilliance we are starting to recognise that, unless we make peace with Mother Earth, she is likely to crush us – just as she does with other species that get out of control. And with that comes a growing recognition that there are still many teachers to whom we can turn for guidance, especially within indigenous communities who have held on to a sacred connection to the earth on which we walk.
Hanh’s recently published book, Love Letter to the Earth, talks of a mistake in thinking in our belief that we are separate from the planet, and offers us a pathway to realigning our relationship. “A spiritual revolution is needed if we’re going to confront the environmental challenges that face us,” he writes. “Many of us live very isolated lives. We’re no longer in touch with ourselves, our family, our ancestors, the Earth, or the wonders of life around us.
“Real change will happen only when we fall in love with our planet. Only love can show us how to live in harmony with nature and with each other and save us from the devastating effects of environmental destruction and climate change. When we recognise the virtues and talents of the Earth, we feel connected to her and love is born in our hearts.”
The message is clear and simple. By finding peace in ourselves we can learn to be Earth’s ally, rather than her enemy.
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