Name: The Badvent calendar.
Age: Five years old, approx.
Appearance: A big snowman covered with doors.
How lovely. I do enjoy advent calendars. Ah, but this is a BADvent calendar.
Does it have a door on 25 December? I'm afraid so.
Argh! I hate it when they do that. I know. But this one was made by Nottinghamshire police, who aren't experts at this kind of thing. It reveals a different suspect every day.
You mean there's been a spate of crimes committed by angels and robins? No. I mean that Nottinghamshire police have replaced the angels and robins with some rather shady-looking characters they are keen to speak to.
And chocolates? No. No chocolates. It's on their website, you see.
Good. I don't approve of chocolates in advent calendars. They make children look forward to it for the wrong reasons. Right. Whatever, Dad.
Although I'm not sure that photographs of police suspects are an improvement. I don't think my children would look forward to that at all. Children are not the target audience here. The police are just doing it to try to catch more people. Bristol and Thames Valley police have done it for the last few years, apparently with great success. Humberside have a rather dull one with daily public information notices.
Excellent. What could be more festive than effective law enforcement? Many people would agree. It's certainly been popular in Nottinghamshire. Except among the police themselves.
This will be about the 25th door, I suppose. Actually, no. Some staff feel the whole thing isn't an appropriate use of a Christian festival.
Why not? Jesus Christ himself was a convicted criminal. I suppose so. But was he wanted in connection with a serious assault in Mansfield?
It's been a long time since I've read the Bible, to be honest, but I think I would remember that. Indeed. "Following several complaints from our own officers and staff who felt it was in poor taste, the decision was taken to change its name to a Festive Crime Calendar," says a police spokesperson.
Hmm. It's not quite the same, is it? Still there's plenty of other religious festivals that would make great crime-fighting opportunities. You could have Grassover, Slammadan, Bent … I think that's enough of those for now.
Do say: "Honestly, these Christians, they come over here, they start telling us how to celebrate Christmas …"
Don't say: "Look Mummy! An arsonist!"
