Age: Thirtysomething.
Appearance: Classified.
What d'you mean, "classified"? Shhhh! It means I could tell you, but then I would have to kill you.
Oh. Well, please don't in that case. We'll compromise. I'll whisper, and just clout you round the head later. She is the female CIA analyst whose work over the five years preceding Osama bin Laden's death was instrumental in his capture.
That is so cool. Isn't it, though? She tracked his network of couriers. By the time the US Navy Seals were flying out to Afghanistan, she told one of them she was "100% certain" that Bin Laden would be found in the compound in Abbottabad.
Again, too cool. But really – should we know about this? How do we know about this? One of the Seals wrote a book about the mission, "Jen" is thought to be the real-life model for Carrie in Homeland, and now Kathryn Bigelow's Oscar-tipped film Zero Dark Thirty tells her story as the woman whose brilliance and tenacity kept the biggest manhunt in history going.
Wow. I bet she's a total hero – wait, heroine – in the CIA. Not exactly. Along with a few other CIA staff, she got a cash bonus when the mission was successful and the Distinguished Intelligence Medal, but missed out on promotion last year.
Why? Maybe because of an email she sent out to the entire agency afterwards saying, in essence: "You guys tried to obstruct me. You fought me. Only I deserve the award."
Probably not the wisest move but if it's true, you can see why she'd be mad as hell. It is also said that her colleagues are envious of all the Hollywood attention she has had.
Hmm. I suspect it would have been backslappery all round if it had been one of the boys getting credit. What's the CIA's position on the whole affair? "Over the course of a decade, hundreds of analysts, operators and many others played key roles in the hunt."
Pah. Get the popcorn. I'm gonna go see the movie. Make it the extra-large. I'm coming too.
Do say: "She's not Miss Congeniality, but that's not going to find Osama bin Laden." – former CIA associate
Don't say: "Miss Congeniality in Afghanistan? I would totally watch that movie! Greenlight!"
