This is a make-or-break year for X Factor. Last year’s series was such a ceaselessly miserable parade of barely-there adequacy, punctuated by so many dreary recitals of outdated ditties, that death seemed like the best possible option for all involved. It would have been an act of mercy.
But instead, X Factor went back to the drawing board. This year, it’s kill or cure. And, if early reports are any indication, the signs aren’t great. Not only have Dermot O’Leary’s safe pair of hands been swapped out for Olly Murs’ comically oversized, rubber-boned ham-hands, but the 2015 X Factor judging line-up has just been revealed.
Simon Cowell, Cheryl Fernandez-Versini, Nick Grimshaw and Rita Ora. That’s who’ll be judging X Factor this year. Simon Cowell, Cheryl Fernandez-Versini, Nick Grimshaw and Rita Ora. To fully understand the horror of this news, allow me to break it down for you.
Simon Cowell
This is an obvious choice – because as we all know, the alternative is Gary Barlow, and eff that – but not necessarily the best one. Everything about X Factor this year, from the hosts to the judges to the presentation, has been recalibrated to appeal to the youth of today. So who’s in charge? A 55-year-old white man with granny teeth, a haircut like an abandoned broom and a propensity for letting his shirt gape open to such a horrendous degree that everyone who watches on ITV HD ends up suffering through a cluster-nightmare about chest stubble. The man has become an anachronism on his own programme.
Cheryl Fernandez-Versini
It could have been Mel B, the only judge from last year who actually seemed to put any effort into judging. But no, instead they’ve got Cheryl Fernandez-Versini to return. Here’s what she’ll do this year.
Auditions Say yes to everyone.
Boot camp Burst into tears because she said yes to too many people and also lacks the spine to do her job properly.
Live show one Mutter: “I’ve never heard of them,” when someone mentions the Beatles.
Live show three Foul up a scripted put-down to Simon Cowell, but still look incomprehensibly pleased with herself.
Live show six Mime a terrible song on the Sunday-night results show wearing a silly hat and a pair of trousers that look like they’ve been mauled by a stoat.
All subsequent live shows Nothing.
Nick Grimshaw
The new Louis Walsh. His announcement is especially bad timing because, when Chris Evans named his as his heir-apparent on the TFI Friday anniversary show four days ago, the entire internet essentially turned into Helen Hunt in that anti-drug PSA she made in the 1980s. The face you’d pull if you saw a truck hurtling towards a child? That’s the way everyone feels about Grimshaw being an X Factor judge. On the plus side, at least Grimshaw is the one who will be fired when Cowell decides to bring Walsh back three days into auditions.
Rita Ora
Fresh from being the fifth-best thing about the last series of The Voice – a series which, incidentally, contained no good things – comes Rita Ora. Here’s how she genuinely reacted to the news of her appointment in the official X Factor press release: “It’s the new generation taking over. Booooom”. A boom with five Os. A boom with five Os. We’re actually letting this woman be on television. Everything is meaningless. The Ora. The Ora.
