Why parents of toddlers are perfectly trained to deal with coronavirus

I knew the horrors of parenting would pay off eventually.

Yes, I love my two boys (one baby, one toddler) more than anything, and yes they are the biggest joy in my life, and yes I want nothing but the best for them, and yes I long for them to grow up to be the best men they can possibly be and BLAH BLAH BLAH ETC ETC ETC.

As a father, that's a given.

But let's also acknowledge that as a parent, you will have had days when you have spent many, many hours trying to teach/tame/care for your toddler… but all your effort seems to have been for nothing as your feral little darlings continue to shout, scream and tear your house apart.

Well, the good news is all those efforts were not in vain after all. It turns out they were the perfect training for dealing with the coronavirus outbreak.

Because if you know how to cope with a toddler, you basically know how to cope with this pesky virus. Just look at the skill set of the average parent of a pre-schooler…

We already spend a HUGE amount of time on getting people to wash their hands properly

The government probably thought they were being really clever by instructing the country to sing happy birthday (twice) while washing their hands , in an attempt to ensure everyone is spending at least 20 seconds scrubbing.

PLEASE.

If your toddler is anything like mine, you wish you only had to spend 20 seconds at a sink. You would love to do something as simple as just sing happy birthday to get their hands clean.

Just yesterday, getting my son to wash his hands involved:

Finding his stool ("no, not that stool - the other stool daddy!"), a three minute argument about whether or not he could use "the daddy soap" or "the frog soap", what felt like 17 different questions about why we should or should not be brushing his teeth while he was at the sink, approximately 13 questions about why his toothbrush looks like a crocodile, a lengthy debate about which of us was better qualified to turn off the tap and then the realisation that actually, yes, he probably did need a poo after all.

Putting in a little bit more effort to wash our own hands is not going to be a problem.

We are experienced in the art of dealing with hypochondria

By now, you have probably all heard at least one person cough/sniffle/breathe and wonder out loud if they have coronavirus.

Fortunately, as parents of little ones, we're used to dealing with multiple different versions of hypochondria.

Whether it's your kid trying desperately to convince you they have a sore tummy and that is why they could not POSSIBLY countenance the idea of going to sleep, or your partner being adamant that the mild rash on your feverish child's chest is worth a nighttime trip to A&E, we are well versed in dealing with not-entirely-believable claims of dreadful illness.

So, in theory, we should be well placed to separate a genuine coronavirus case from a simple dose of the sniffles…

Equally, we know how it feels to be surrounded by people getting hysterical long before it's in any way necessary

They're no fun for anyone (Getty Images/iStockphoto)

I've lost count of the number of cynics I've seen roll their eyes and declare coronavirus a big old fuss about nothing. "It's not even as a bad as the flu", "It ain't gonna stop me living my life", "Did you know more people die stepping on skateboards"…

And perhaps these complaints are valid. Perhaps there are lots of people getting a bit carried away about the 'outbreak' long before they need to.

But have the people making these complaints ever been to a toddler's birthday party? Ever seen a nursery around pick up time?

When it comes to unnecessary and unjustified hysteria, we parents can confirm this reaction to coronavirus is NOTHING.

We are experts in creative fancy dress

Bet you a tenner the person underneath this natty bit of 'protective' headwear has got a young kid at home who had one HELL of a costume for World Book Day:

(COPYRIGHT UNKNOWN)

We understand how difficult lock down can be

Dozens of tourists were locked inside the hotel (Humphrey Nemar/ dailystar)

I sympathise with people stuck in a hotel where someone has come down with coronavirus. I feel for the poor folk stuck in lockdown on a quarantined cruise ship. I really do.

But when you're a parent who has spent days at a time stuck indoors with an irritable, ill child who can't go to nursery/school and is crawling the walls, the idea of being stuck at home just IN CASE your little ones get sick?

I'll be honest. That doesn't sound quite as… bad?