CATS-ENACCI-WOE. YEP, THAT’S NOT TIRED AT ALL
When the chief executive of Sunderland says that the club’s manager will be given “every possible opportunity to succeed”, as Martin Bain promised on Thursday of Moyes Szyslak, The Fiver can’t help but picture a child in the Sahara being told he can build a snowman any time he fancies. Maybe that’s because Moyes’ first act after taking charge in July was to walk around the Stadium of Light tolling a big relegation bell and most of his utterances since then have been accompanied by a sigh that says “just look at the state of the players I’m trying to work with here” despite, if it is the right word, his recruitment of Papy Djilobodji, Steven Pienaar and Victor Anichebe. Add that sort of morale boosting to a knack list as long as the club’s blooper reel and you can see why optimism is as scarce as wins around Sunderland.
But as Black Cats fans prepare for a trip to West Ham and the privilege of paying into a ground that they already helped pay for, Moyes has decided that the time has come to start cheering them up. So the manager embarked on a charm offensive this week, explaining to punters that all he needs is time in order to turn a dog’s dinner into the dog’s boll … eh, a delightful feast. And it seems that here, at least, Moyes can point to encouraging results.
“I was with a lot of the supporters branches this week, talking to them, and I think a lot understand the situation,” hurrahed Moyes upon completing a sentence without mentioning that he once guided little ol’ Manchester United to the quarter-finals of Big Cup. “They understand they’ve been through the barrel with managers and need some stability,” continued Moyes to make it two in a row.
Moyes went on to explain that most of his recent predecessors, from Martin O’Neill and Bernard Cribbins through to Sam Allardyce, have been restricted to crisis management whereas he wants to build. “They’ve not had chance to pick it up, that’s why we are saying we need to put something down,” clarified Moyes, sort of. A smart pragmatist during his many successful years at Everton, Moyes now cuts a naive figure with his quaint pleas for patience.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Success can be a legacy. Maybe I can create one here so that, one day, people look back and say: ‘When Pardew was there that was a great period for the club.’ I remember the chief executive at Southampton after Nicola Cortese thanking me for the platform I left them. That recognition is always nice. That’s like winning a trophy for me” – Pardiola gets his chat on with Dominic Fifield.
![‘My [Mr 15%] is always going on at me to learn Spanish and have that in my locker … but the States are getting bigger, China’s getting bigger, the market’s getting bigger.’](https://media.guim.co.uk/ae29fc56d9ea5b18868382d9b6138e2b41a62c84/0_125_4899_2939/1000.jpg)
FIVER LETTERS
“I was intently trawling through the great Brazilian footballer Toninho Cerezo’s Wikipedia page because it was either that or do some work and couldn’t help but notice his rather strange profile photo. Can The Fiver ask its other reader to find out which professional footballer has the weirdest profile picture? And before you ignore it and think The Fiver is above all this, I’m old enough to remember when Rubbish Song Lyrics had its own section in the Fiver (the good old days)” – Noble Francis.
“One of my pet peeves as a football fan is reading about a knacked player’s medical procedure with a quote from the club or the doctor that it went well, only for the player not to return anywhere near as soon as advertised. See, eg, Jack Wilshere and his right ankle. However, when I read that Watford’s recently signed Nigerian forward was knacked, I thought that if he had to go under the knife at least the resultant newspaper article could accurately portray the surgery as a Success” - R Reisman.
“Can I be one of the 1,056 to welcome Kumbuka the gorilla (yesterday’s last line) to the ranks of Purple Tin-swilling Fiver readers?” – Katie Maddock.
“As a new resident of Westchester, David Dein (yesterday’s Fiver letters) is a new neighbour/neighbor – hello! He asked if there could be more apt pairings with towns in a county that is getting a surprising amount of Fiver coverage. What if Nasty Leeds played in Pleasantville? Or Monday’s Liverpool v Manchester United snooze-fest took place in Sleepy Hollow? Both are real places, the names are great: Valhalla is just down the road” – Alistair Dunlop.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … R Reisman. Hang on, is that the sound of Football Manager 2017 prizes from Monday we can hear?
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BITS AND BOBS
Karl-Heinz Rummenigge has just noticed English football’s defective moral compass. “We don’t want to bring some 10 or 11-year-old to Munich like the English do,” parped Bayern’s chairman. “You could almost speak of kidnapping with them and I would have moral reservations about that.”
Kenny Jackett has accepted the grenade that is the Rotherham job, signing a three-year contract with the Championship’s bottom club. “We talked about the players, the style of play and he was talking our language – he was talking Rotherham football,” cheered chairman Tony Stewart.
The IPCC will review its decision not to investigate the South Yorkshire police chief constable, David Crompton, over his force’s conduct at the Hillsborough inquests.
Manchester United’s José Mourinho has been flapping those gums about his fave physicist again. “First of all, in some of your mouths, [Paul Pogba] goes from the worst player in the Premier League to a great player in 48 hours,” he tooted. “I am not specifically saying it is you. I say media, especially the Einsteins.”
New Uefa president Aleksander Ceferin fancies taking Big Cup final out of Europe. Naturally. “To go from Portugal to Azerbaijan, for example, is almost the same as if you go to New York,” he blootered. “For the fans it’s no problem but we should see. It’s a European competition so let’s think about it.”
And Arsène Wenger wants his players to keep their October game-faces on after Arsenal dished out a midweek walloping to Ludogorets, their seventh win on the trot. “We live in a jungle where everybody wants to eat you,” he scare-mongered.
STILL WANT MORE?
English football could do with taking itself down a peg or two, mopping up that poured scorn for Pep Guardiola’s ideas and learning a lesson or two, writes Jacob Steinberg.
A Jason Cundy fluke and a sensational Franck Queudrue own goal are among those to feel the force of Rob Smyth’s mirth in an entertaining edition of The Joy of Six: comedy football goals.
Does Vincent Janssen like to be beside the seaside? Just one of 10 pressing talking points ahead of the weekend’s Premier League action.
Marina Hyde on the absolute state of things.
Things are going south for football in the north-east, reckons Louise Taylor, but there are some morsels of hope for Sunderland and Middlesbrough fans.
Who is George Saunders, you ask? Well he is the only British footballer in South America, replies Matt Stanger.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. AND INSTACHAT, TOO!
