Age: 49
Appearance: sad
Oh, please. That "Sad Keanu" meme is so 2010. I don't know what you're talking about.
That photo of Keanu sitting on a bench eating a sandwich and looking glum that attracted amusing captions, spread across the internet like wildfire and inspired a Cheer up Keanu Day (June 15)? It was fun, but it's over. I know nothing of this. I was referring to the sadness surrounding Keanu Reeves's latest film.
Keanu Reeves is in films? Of course. The Canadian-American actor is the star of such blockbusters as Point Break, Speed and the Matrix trilogy.
What has he got to be sad about? His new film, 47 Ronin, is said to be a box-office flop.
Never heard of it. When did it come out? It doesn't open until Christmas Day.
How can it be a box-office flop before it opens? Technically, it can't, but producers are quietly warning investors that the film could lose as much as £90m.
What's wrong with it? For starters, it cost $225m to make. Advance ticket sales are low, and the film has already tanked in Japan, where it opened early. In the US, the movie is said to be suffering from insufficient "buzz" and "low consumer engagement scores."
I guess Reeves has a right to be down. Reports of the death of 47 Ronin may be premature – international films often struggle in Japan, and this one retells an old Japanese tale – but yes, forecasts are gloomy.
Well, I love Keanu – I'm rooting for him. Tell me it's a happy story, at least?
It's about a group of 18th-century samurai warriors wreaking revenge before their mass suicide, so I don't think there are too many jokes.
Sigh. I'm not going to see it now you've given away the ending.
Sorry.
Do say: "It's Christmas, kids! Let's go see the samurai suicide movie!"
Don't say: "Cheer up, love. It may never happen."
